Here are some tips to help you deal with the yelling and aggression you may face.

Note that these recommendations do not apply to physical abuse or manipulative and perverse behavior that requires specific action. This article suggests tips only to deal with the shouting and excessive raising of the voice that you may experience from a loved one.

So, the person you are talking to raises their voice and yells at you?
They may not feel like they are, but this is what you are experiencing from your exchange. You may feel a growing discomfort in your body, emotions and unpleasant thoughts arise, and you want to end the conversation. It is a definite sign that your interlocutor has gone too far for you.

Here is how to bring back calmness in the exchange and, if necessary, to set your limits.

1. First, when you feel attacked by how the other person is expressing themself, save yourself the trouble of reacting. Take a deep breath and, if necessary, close your eyes; you must immediately control your emotions to stay present with what is happening.

2. To help you, think about the fact that something is happening to this person that has nothing to do with you; even if you seem to be the target of their anger, you know that you are not the actual cause.

3. Immediately remind yourself that you intend to bring the experience back to calm before you respond with anything.

4. Next, recognize that the person you are talking to has a right to be emotional and to give importance to what they are experiencing. At this point, it’s not so much about you as it is about them, their fears, frustrations, and needs that, if left unmet, are detrimental to their balance and well-being.

This way, you lower the tension and relieve your emotions by entering a state of compassion for the other person.

5. At this point, take the opportunity to explore what is happening to her. But stay focused on their state of being, not on the action. When you are ready to talk, avoid phrases such as “calm down, there’s no point in getting angry” or “you’re getting angry over nothing.” These thoughts will only fuel his agitation.

6. Ask questions: How are you feeling right now? What is going on with you that is causing you to raise your voice? These questions should come from your sincere intention to discover what this person is going through.

7. It may be that their response points to you as the one responsible for their problems, and you are drawn back into your emotions. Return to the first step to regain the calm you need.

The use of the nonviolent communication (NVC) method is essential here. It keeps you focused on the experience and prevents you from getting lost in strategies that lead you back to an emotional state conducive to conflict.

What if nothing changes despite your best efforts to bring calm to the conversation?

You’ve tried to distract the other person by inviting them to talk about what’s going on for them, and they keep yelling at you? At this point, there is only one thing you can do; Remove yourself from the conversation, period.

8. Inform them that you do not wish to continue this exchange under these conditions. Let them know that you are not comfortable or even scared with the tone of their voice, the words they use, or their attitude, and you are choosing to postpone your conversation. Reassure them that you will be available to continue the discussion once they have regained the calm necessary for you to connect with them.

Final words

To restore clear communication and/or set boundaries for yourself, you must identify and control your emotional reactions throughout the above steps. It does not mean that you ignore your emotions; on the contrary, you focus on your need to regain peace because, at this point, that is your priority.

Letting your emotions get in the way of the conversation will only take you away from that goal and leave you in a state of rumination with negative thoughts about yourself, the other person, or your relationship. Plus, you’ll face the same communication difficulties again a few exchanges later.

Last thing. When faced with someone who yells at you, it’s best to have communication tools that allow you to set clear boundaries while showing compassion for the other person and yourself. That is what the Nonviolent communication methodology (NVC) developed by American Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg proposes, and I suggest you integrate it into your communication habits.

When used appropriately, this method can replace the need for third-party mediation and help resolve relationship difficulties. That is why I teach it to all my clients facing problematic situations and wish to evolve toward a fulfilling relationship.

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