Sound familiar? You might wonder, “What exactly is an attachment style, and why does it matter?” Trust me, it’s worth paying attention to.

When I first discovered this concept, it was like finding a hidden map of my inner world. Suddenly, the patterns in my relationships made sense. While understanding my attachment style didn’t fix everything overnight, it gave me a powerful tool to transform how I showed up in love and connection.

So, let’s dive into this together. By the end of this article, you’ll not only understand your attachment style but also how it influences your relationship dynamics—and yes, even how it might explain why you’ve been so good at picking the “wrong” partners (spoiler alert: they’re actually the right ones for your growth).

What is Attachment Style?

Attachment styles stem from the bonds we formed with our caregivers in childhood. These early relationships taught us how safe it was to express our needs and how likely we were to get them met. Over time, these experiences created an unconscious blueprint for how we perceive intimacy and connection.

What else did she need to do or be to keep him interested in her? Her partner, Sam, had an avoidant attachment style and felt smothered by Elena’s need for constant reassurance. His instinct was to retreat, which only fueled Elena’s anxiety. The result? A push-and-pull dynamic that left both feeling misunderstood.

Can you relate to this?

These patterns are common, and while they can feel frustrating, they’re not a death sentence for your relationship. In fact,they hold the key to your growth.

Why You Pick the “Wrong” Partner—On Purpose!

I love to tell my clients this over and over: You’re not choosing the “wrong” partners by accident. Your attachment style unconsciously attracts people who will trigger your wounds but also offer the opportunity to heal them.

Think of it this way: if you grew up feeling unseen or unworthy, you might be drawn to partners who mirror those feelings. It’s not because you’re destined to suffer but because a part of you wants to rewrite that old story over and over. Your relationship becomes a playground (or battleground) for transformation.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship, as there are times when a relationship must be ended. But it does mean that the challenges in your relationship can be a gift if you’re willing to look deeper.

How to Start Shifting Your Attachment Patterns

Get Curious About Your Style

Ask yourself: “How do I respond when I feel vulnerable or triggered in a relationship?” Do you cling, withdraw, or oscillate between the two? Noticing your patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.

Practice Self-Compassion

No matter your attachment style, it’s not your fault. These patterns were formed to protect you in childhood and served a purpose. Now, it’s time to thank them for their service and gently let them go.

Communicate with Vulnerability

One of my clients, Jake, used to avoid conflict at all costs. When he learned to say, “I feel hurt and need reassurance,” his partner responded with empathy rather than defensiveness instead of shutting down. Vulnerability invites connection.

Choose Growth Over Comfort

If you’re in a relationship, ask, “How can we use our triggers as opportunities to grow together?” If you’re single, reflect on how you can create a relationship that honours your needs without repeating old patterns. Be very upfront as you engage in a new relationship about your attachment style and your desire to be supported in a more secure one.

What’s your style?

Let’s make this fun! Imagine your attachment style is a dance:

• Secure: A steady waltz—trusting, rhythmic, and easygoing.
• Anxious: Salsa—passionate but a bit frantic, always chasing the next move.
• Avoidant: A solo freestyle—calm, confident, but keeping others at arm’s length.
• Fearful-Avoidant: Tango—intense, dramatic, and always in two minds about whether to embrace or step back.

Which one feels most like you? And what would it look like to learn a new dance?

The beauty of understanding your attachment style

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about Observing and knowing yourself—and creating space for growth, healing, and deeper connection. When you and your partner (or future partner) start seeing your triggers as invitations rather than threats, your relationship becomes a powerful space for transformation.

So, what then is your next step? Maybe it’s having an authentic and vulnerable conversation with your partner, journaling about your childhood influences, or simply sitting with the question: “What do I really need to feel loved and secure?”

I want to reassure you, however, that you are NOT your attachment style. It’s part of your story but doesn’t define your future. With awareness, intention, and a little playfulness, you can rewrite your relationship blueprint—and maybe even enjoy a new dance!

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