What is Self-confidence?

Self-confidence is about recognizing our capabilities, talents, and the tools we possess to take action. It’s an acknowledgment of our strengths. Feeling confident in one aspect of life and unsure in another is possible. Confidence can also fluctuate, being intense one day and wavering the next.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the perception and vision of ourselves, the value we attribute to ourselves, and the level of love and respect we have for ourselves. It’s the image of ourselves, our self-confidence, and how we talk about ourselves.

How is self-esteem built?

Building self-esteem begins in early childhood and evolves according to the complex events in our lives. Some will strengthen it, and others will weaken it.

When a traumatic event leads to a sudden loss of self-esteem, it’s common to see this as the reactivation of a feeling rooted in childhood, for the foundations of self-esteem laid at the very beginning of our history.

Here are some of the factors that contribute to low self-esteem.

• Strong submission to parental authority and demands or those of important and influential childhood figures (grandparents, teachers, coaches, etc.). 
• Being exposed to recurrent criticism and reproaches, derogatory remarks, etc.
• Receiving mockery, disdain, contempt, lack of consideration or attention, discrimination, and other social exclusions.
• Going through abuse, harassment, and other emotional, physical, and sexual mistreatment.

In short, self-esteem is built on what we’ve heard about ourselves, what we’ve been told, or what has been done to us. Mainly, high or low self-esteem stems from how we’ve processed these pieces of information and the beliefs we’ve developed based on them.

The experiences that shape us sometimes lead to feelings like abandonment, rejection, injustice, betrayal, humiliation, etc. These emotions often remain hidden or unacknowledged in our consciousness. Regardless of our awareness of them, such events can result in the formation of self-limiting beliefs indicative of low self-esteem. Here are some examples:

• I’m not beautiful.
• I deserve what I get.
• I’m not talented.
• I’m not intelligent.
• I always need to be corrected.
• I’m clumsy.
• Etc.

As we grow older, specific events and experiences will awaken these feelings, further validating our beliefs and lack of self-esteem.

Remember this: Building your self-esteem results from your life’s journey. It finds its foundations in your early years and evolves with your experiences and the people you meet along the way. Today, your self-esteem is this constructed idea of your worth, a subjective opinion of yourself.

What are the symptoms of low self-esteem?

Avoiding criticism.

Someone with low self-esteem is usually reactive or emotional to criticism and often displays aggression, disdain, arrogance, etc., in response to it unless they step aside and withdraw.

If this person can’t stand criticism, they’re no less critical of themselves. The little words slipped into her sentences give her away: – I’m stupid, – I’ve made another mistake – I can’t seem to do anything right – I look ugly in these jeans, etc. Words and thoughts often emanate from an unconscious place.

Without necessarily being criticized, a simple contradiction or an opinion different from the person’s own makes them believe (consciously or unconsciously) that they are being attacked. That is why this person tends to be defensive in relationships with others.

Being too permissive or too reactive.

Another sign of low self-esteem is the difficulty, or even inability, to say no for fear (conscious or otherwise) of displeasing others. Considering they are not up to the job or fearing they won’t be, these people avoid taking a stand by asserting their point of view or ideas unless they do so awkwardly and sometimes even aggressively.

Having conflicting relationships.

Difficulties meeting other people or even being in a relationship can reveal a lack of self-esteem. Indeed, how can we attract others if we present ourselves to them with the intimate conviction that we are not attractive, pleasant, exciting, or, more simply, worthy of being loved?

Emotional vulnerability.

The tendency to stress and anxiety can also reflect the insecurities of the person who lacks self-esteem. Such emotional reactions are deeply rooted in past experiences or traumas. Over time, these unresolved feelings can compound, further exacerbating the person’s emotional vulnerability.

Physical appearance.

The body also interprets low self-esteem in its behavior. A tense gait, a bent back, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and legs, covering oneself from head to toe without necessity, for example, or never exposing oneself without make-up, etc., are all signs of low self-esteem.

Appearing overly confident.

Contrary to what one might think of a person whose personality and self-confidence are strongly asserted, they may also borrow from a lack of self-esteem. This blanket is their camouflage.

How do we maintain low self-esteem?

All these symptoms of low self-esteem are triggered and sustained by thoughts (the little voice in your head) that maintain a recurring negative internal dialogue. These thoughts aim to affirm and support limiting beliefs acquired and sometimes reinforced by life experiences.

These beliefs, which are at the base of our personality and have become the pillars of our identity, lead us to adopt behaviors that justify them.

Here are a few examples of limiting beliefs that can result from a lack of self-esteem and the behaviors they can lead to:

• Thinking of oneself is selfish (belief) – Tendency to live according to others, to forget oneself (behavior).
• Putting yourself first is pretentious (belief) – Tendency to stand aside, take a back seat, and not take your place (behavior).
• You get what you deserve (belief) – Tendency to self-flagellate, criticize, and be fatalistic in the face of adversity.

In a nutshell, here is a recap of how self-esteem is built and maintained.”

1. Self-esteem is essentially built on the beliefs we have about ourselves.
2. Most of these beliefs come from our childhood, environment, and how we were spoken.
3. These beliefs are legitimized and reinforced by our coherent thoughts about ourselves.
4. These thoughts are generated by the wounded part of our identity that suffered in the past (childhood).
5. We act (unconsciously) according to our beliefs, even if they are limiting and sometimes turn against us; in short, we act and react to remain what we believe ourselves to be at all costs. 

How to regain self-esteem?

The first step towards improved self-esteem is recognizing the situations and moments when your self-esteem falters.

If you experience feelings of anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, or despair—symptoms of low self-esteem—pause and take a deep breath to distance yourself from these emotions.

Try to link your emotion to the underlying belief that triggered it. Identify the past event or narrative that might have caused this belief.

Instead of getting lost in the event’s details, focus on understanding the root cause of your diminished self-esteem. Aim to quiet the inner voice that reinforces this negative belief, reminding yourself that these thoughts do not define you. The past event they point to has already passed.

I understand that navigating through this can be quite a challenge. Remember, whenever you need to, contact a professional therapist or coach who can provide additional support and insights to make your journey smoother and more manageable.

How to maintain self-esteem?

Get into the habit of following a healthy process.

In the process mentioned above, recognizing negative emotions, thoughts, or responses as indicative of potential low self-esteem can assist in reducing the internal dialogue that perpetuates low self-esteem.

Use your internal voice for positive purposes.

Stop criticizing yourself and harboring toxic thoughts. Instead, value yourselves, recognize your qualities, note all the beautiful things that surround you, the positive things that happen to you, and be kind to yourselves and others. See that despite obstacles, there are many opportunities to learn and grow.

Take an interest in the values that are fundamental to you.

Ensure you respect these values important to you and share them with others with kindness and without fear. After all, allowing yourself to live according to your values allows you to be authentic and, consequently, to gain self-esteem. 

Recognize your qualities.

We all have a unique way of being and existing. It makes us unique, so let’s give your particularity the attention it deserves!

Take responsibility.

Finally, remember that we alone are responsible for building our self-esteem. It’s up to us to decide and implement the strategies that will enable us to achieve this. Looking outside ourselves for validation will only lead to potential frustration and disillusionment. The solution lies within us!

Conclusion.

If our early relationship experiences shaped our self-esteem unexpectedly, or if recent events have challenged it, remembering that we have the capability and resilience to nurture and enhance it is empowering.

As adults, we are responsible for providing ourselves with the love, acceptance, appreciation, and consideration we lacked as children. The key is recognizing and accepting the root of our low self-esteem and understanding that we have the resources to (re)kindle and maintain it to serve our lives better.

I want to conclude with this magnificent phrase from French psychiatrist and psychotherapist Christophe André: “Accepting imperfection is proof that the taste for life has won out over the obsession with self-image…”

A sentence that underlines an essential point: we are perfectly imperfect beings, and that’s perfect in itself.

Related Articles