But let’s pause here for a moment. Is this truly about respect? Or could something deeper be going on?

With this article I aim to challenge how we use the concept of “respect.” You might be surprised to learn that our perceptions of being disrespected often have less to do with others’ actions and more to do with how we interpret them, filtered through our unmet needs, expectations, and personal histories.

Let’s unpack this gently but thoroughly—because understanding this can transform how we experience others and relate to ourselves.

What Does It Mean to Feel Disrespected?

When someone says they feel disrespected, they usually express mixed emotions: anger, frustration, hurt, even sadness. But at its core, the claim of disrespect is often tied to an underlying need that hasn’t been met.

Take punctuality, for instance. If your friend shows up late, you might feel angry, but is it really because they didn’t “respect“ you?

Or could their tardiness trigger a need for efficiency, certainty, or consideration? Perhaps their lateness makes you feel unimportant, which pokes at a tender spot in your self-esteem.

It’s where the story shifts. What if your friend’s lateness isn’t about their lack of respect for you but instead about their lack of awareness of their own value?

People who are chronically late often struggle with organization and self-discipline, or, as you hinted, they might not fully grasp how their actions impact others because they haven’t internalized their own importance.

Now, let’s ask the million-dollar question: If you were able to shift your perception, could your suffering around this scenario decrease?

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Respect or Misunderstanding? The Case of the Unannounced Visitor

Let’s consider another example: A friend or neighbourg stops by unannounced for coffee just as you’re about to dive into a work project.

To some, this might feel like an invasion of privacy or, again, a lack of respect for your time.

But is it disrespect? Or is it a clash of personal values?

For one person, a surprise visit might feel warm and spontaneous, even an expression of affection. For another, it’s intrusive and thoughtless. The action is the same—showing up uninvited—but the interpretation varies wildly based on the lens we’re using.

The key question here is: Are you able to express your needs in the moment? If you were to tell the visitor, “I’m so happy you stopped by, but this is actually a tough time for me—can we plan something for later?“ You would be addressing the situation without labeling it as “disrespect.“

The Family Dynamic: Respect or a Battle of Preferences?

Let’s step into a slightly messier scenario: the adult child visiting their parents who have a compulsive need for order and cleanliness. The parents, overwhelmed by the chaos of grandkids running around and shoes left by the door, accuse their child and their family of being disrespectful.

But is this really disrespectful? Or are the parents expressing their own struggle with control and order? Are the adult children truly indifferent to the parents’ needs, or are they simply prioritizing relaxation and connection in their own way?

When we strip away the loaded term “disrespect,“ what remains is a negotiation of needs and values—one party’s need for order and predictability and another’s need for ease and freedom.

The Pushback: What About “Real“ Disrespect?

At this point, you might think, “Okay, but what about situations where people are disrespectful? Not everything is a misunderstanding!”

Fair enough. Let’s take an example of cheating in a relationship. Many would say it’s the ultimate act of disrespect. But even here, is it indeed about “respect”? Or is it about trust, honesty, and commitment?

Cheating, lying, stealing—these are betrayals of agreements or values we hold dear. But framing them as “disrespectful” can keep us stuck in victimhood, focusing on blame rather than addressing the core emotions and needs behind our pain.

For instance, in the case of cheating, what’s the real need? Security? Intimacy? Clarity about the relationship’s future? When we dig deeper, we often find that it’s not about respect at all—it’s about the rupturing of something we deeply value.

How the “Respect“ Narrative Creates Suffering

Here’s the tricky thing about labelling actions as disrespectful: It often perpetuates a cycle of suffering. Why? Because when we label someone as “disrespectful,” we’re placing the power—and blame—entirely on them. We trap ourselves in a narrative where our emotions depend on their behaviour.

But what if we turned inward instead? What if, instead of asking, “Why don’t they respect me?“ we asked, “What do I need right now, and how can I communicate that?”

For example:

• If lateness bothers you, is it efficiency or reliability that you’re craving?
• If unannounced visits feel intrusive, is it privacy or clarity about boundaries that you need?
• If family dynamics feel overwhelming, is it balance, understanding, or mutual accommodation that you’re seeking?

So, What Is Respect, Really?

We talk about respect as if it’s a universal currency, but its definition is surprisingly slippery. At its core, respect is about acknowledgement—recognizing someone else’s humanity, autonomy, and worth. But here’s the kicker: We often expect others to show us respect in a way that aligns with our values, not theirs.

This mismatch is where conflict arises. What feels respectful to one person (like dropping by unannounced) may feel utterly disrespectful to another. So, Can we stop assuming disrespect and start seeking understanding instead?

Letting Go of the “Respect“ Trap

But how do we do that? How do we communicate our needs effectively without resorting to accusations of disrespect? And how do we ensure that we’re not being taken advantage of in the process?

When we let go of the need to frame everything as a matter of respect, we open the door to a much freer way of living. No longer are we held hostage by others’ actions or our interpretations of them. Instead, we focus on what truly matters: identifying and expressing our needs with clarity and compassion.

It isn’t about excusing lousy behaviour or becoming a doormat. It’s about reclaiming your emotional power. If someone is perpetually late or disregards your boundaries, you’re free to set limits without needing to label them as disrespectful. You might say, “I love spending time with you, but it’s important to me that we stick to agreed-upon times—can we work on that?”

Or, for the unannounced visitor: “I really value our friendship, and I’d love to plan something in advance so I can give you my full attention.”

A Final Reflection

The next time you catch yourself thinking, “That was so disrespectful,“ pause and ask: “What am I truly feeling right now? What do I need, and how can I express it?”

Respect, in the end, is not even just the guardian of our misery—it’s a concept we’ve too often used as a shield for our unmet needs. By reframing our perspective, we free ourselves from unnecessary suffering and step into a space of self-awareness, emotional honesty, and a more profound connection with those around us.

So, what do you think? Could letting go of the “respect narrative“ change how you approach conflict? Could it liberate you from carrying the heavy burden of feeling disrespected?

Here’s your challenge: Next time you’re tempted to blame disrespect, dig a little deeper. You might just find that what you’re really seeking has been within your power to name and address all along.

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