The most common reasons that limit the partner(s) from being themselves authentically:

The reasons for the difficulties in telling the truth are multiple and sometimes combined.

Fear of hurting the other person.

This fear of hurting the other person can hide the fear of rejection. It can also be the fear of not being a good person, the one we have learned to be to be loved. It can also come from the fear of conflict. The fear of hurting the other person usually originates in childhood and through relationship experiences that have legitimized it.

Difficulty expressing feelings.

In childhood, the partner(s) was not taught to express their feelings, and that experience showed them that this exposed them to the danger of being rejected, betrayed, or even ignored in what they think or feel. As adults, they lack the communication codes that allow them to do so; they are awkward and miss more clarity and conciseness in their expression. It generates frustration and even conflicts that reinforce their experience of the danger of expressing themselves.

The belief that they are not understood.

Having experienced not being understood in the past (usually in childhood), they are convinced that expressing their feelings is useless, will not address their concerns, and worse, will be further frustrated.

The experience of repeated conflict.

Whether it comes from the above reasons, unresolved conflicts, resentments, and frustrations related to poor communication can discourage the partner(s) from being authentic and expressing their thoughts.

Of course, you understand why having difficulty saying what you think and feel is a problem. And if you are interested in reading this article, it is likely because you are directly or indirectly concerned by the subject and the consequences of this difficulty.

What are the consequences on the relationship of this difficulty in expressing authentically?

These difficulties in expressing one’s feelings or concerns result in the sense of not being heard by the other person. That is normal since what is not said cannot be heard unless one is divine. And suppose the partner himself is not a champion of communication. In that case, if he is distracted or preoccupied with other things and tends to react and judge rather than welcome, this feeling is not about to disappear with a wave of the magic wand. 

What comes next is not hard to guess: Dissatisfaction settles in the relationship, frustrations, confusions, misunderstandings, and conflicts, and the whole thing creates a gap between the partner.

But don’t despair; some basics allow you to work on yourself and overcome these obstacles.

How to overcome this difficulty and speak its truth?

Here are some tips to help the one who has trouble saying what they are thinking and feeling. Each of them is valuable, and they need to be integrated to initiate the change essential for clear communication and a fulfilling relationship.

Don’t judge yourself.

In addition to holding you back, you’ll feel miserable, which is what you want to avoid, right? Know that you are not alone in experiencing this difficulty; it is common. Remember this: your life experiences are not there to afflict you but to push you to evolve.

Question your fears.

Ask yourself what you fear and, more importantly, if your worries are legitimate. Assess the risks of telling yourself and the dangers of not exposing yourself. Your fears should not control you to the point of preventing you from being authentic; they are not worth it.

Practice active listening.

It means taking the time to listen to your partner before you speak. The benefit is twofold: by paying attention to your loved one, your emotions calm down, creating a space for open and respectful dialogue.

Communicate clearly and kindly.

Judgments, criticisms, and other reproaches should be avoided, as well as innuendos and cryptic messages. What matters is how you feel. By talking about yourself, your partner won’t feel the need to justify or defend themself and will give you their attention in return.

Choose the right time.

This point is not negligible! You both must be available, calm, and relaxed to start a conversation. Fatigue, anger, or stress can only lead to dissatisfaction or conflict, and that’s not what you want.

See imperfection as an opportunity.

If, despite your best efforts, how you communicate still sometimes creates discomfort in your relationship, you have something important to explore. Understand that your emotions indicate that your need, sometimes unconscious, is not being met or that fear lurks somewhere. Take a step back and observe what is going on within yourself and your relationship. Then explore the opportunity of the obstacle to move forward on your path of awareness.

Ultimately, expressing what you think and feel, being yourself authentically, helps to develop intimacy and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. How can you feel loved if your partner is in a relationship with someone you are not with? It is yourself you sincerely want them to fall in love with.

Last, the Non-ViolentCommunication (NVC) tool par excellence will allow you to implement all these tips more efficiently and with fluidity. You should become familiar with this technique and make it your own. Your relationship will benefit from it, and your life will transform!

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