That is why it is essential to welcome any conversation or event as an experience to be observed factually rather than evaluating it through our understanding of the situation and saying what we think it is.

For that, we must only express what we see or hear as a description since it is not the facts that generate our emotions and create conflicts but our interpretations.

Thus by letting go of our evaluations, we allow ourselves to move toward a calm and constructive exchange.

So how do you prevent reacting emotionally and stay in observation?

By becoming aware of your emotions about to be expressed through evaluations, you allow yourself to detach from them. Then you can slip into the observer’s position, who can notice what they were about to say or do when faced with specific facts (words spoken, actions taken, etc.).

Below are some tips for embodying the observer’s position.

First, during an exchange, when you are about to express reproach or have an adverse emotional reaction, take a deep breath and welcome the experience into yourself. Then set your evaluation and emotion aside and observe it without judging it.

Second, once you have put aside your emotions and the interpretations and evaluations that come with them, ask yourself:

• What did I hear?
• What did I see?
• What concrete experience did I have? Answer these questions in a factual, clear, precise manner and with a minimum of words.

Finally, above all, avoid certain words that necessarily lead to an evaluation, such as the verbs “seem,” “appear,” or the adverbs “often,” “without reason,” “very,” etc., and of course, the qualifiers that express ability or inability to act.

Observing helps you stay empowered and calm.

Becoming a better observer and using factual descriptions of what is said or done will bring instant calmness within you.

Since we easily slip into interpretations, evaluations, and labels when speaking with someone, it is essential to ask for clarification from the person we are interacting with to stay an observer.

• Did they say this or do that?
• Do they have the same experience as you of what just happened?
• What did they mean when they said this or that?

An example below exposes how observation versus evaluation can positively change your life and relationships.

You come home exhausted after a long day at work. It’s late, dinner is not ready, the groceries are in bags in the kitchen, and you are about to explode in your partner’s face: “What a mess! You could have at least put the groceries away!”

But because you crave and need calm rather than adding chaos to the situation, you silently welcome your judgments and thoughts into your head. Then, after a deep breath, you observe factually the “problem,” which is nothing more than a “situation.” What do you see?” – You see the bags of groceries in the kitchen and your spouse answering emails.

Nothing more.

Can’t you feel the calmness upon you as you make this observation? Doesn’t your agitation, even your potential anger, drastically diminish? Without a doubt, yes. Now you are ready to say hello first and start the conversation calmly.

Making a factual observation is not about fixing a problem; it is about seeing what is versus what we think it is. In this example, by sticking to the fact, you give yourself time to feel the feeling arising when you see such a situation.

This feeling, an indicator of an unmet need (for example, for order or efficiency), allows you to understand better what you need to express to your partner rather than your frustration or anger.

By expressing your needs, you become more empowered and less of a victim of those around you and your partner. Most people will be much more receptive to hearing them rather than being served an emotional response or blamed and judged for their actions. In addition, they will be more likely to meet your need once they become aware of it.

How to practice observation to let it become a habit.

EXERCISE 1: Take time to flip through a magazine, look at pictures, or observe people walking by while paying attention to your thoughts. Realize the reviews and evaluations that come to mind. Accept them, then transform what your internal voice tells you into a simple observation without any interpretation of what you have just seen.

EXERCISE 2: You can do the same exercise when you catch yourself listening to a conversation. What did you say to yourself about what people say? What interpretation of what they say did you make? Rephrase them into a simple, factual sentence, free of evaluation, by repeating what they just said.

Last words on being a better observer

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, also said: “Nonviolent communication does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating; it only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and evaluations.”

So, to become an observer and prevent misunderstanding and conflict, integrate that the facts are not the story. In addition to allowing you to engage in a calm and constructive exchange, this will enable you to understand better the other person and activate your innate faculty of compassion.

To help you become an observer, you can join our NVC Coaching Mastermind group.

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