Three Key Criteria as Your Guide to Enhancing or Rescuing Your Relationship.

1. You are willing to improve and save your relationship.

Improving a relationship requires a fundamental and essential ingredient: intention. But it’s not enough to be able to say: “Of course I want things to be better between us!”

To be sure that the couple is on the right path to fulfillment, each must genuinely want to change and save the relationship.

The conscious, deep-seated desire to improve the relationship is, therefore, the driving force behind any positive change. Without it, the relationship risks stagnating and then deteriorating further.

This sincere intention to evolve and grow together paves the way for deeper, more meaningful bonds and, ultimately, contributes to the relationship’s long-term success.

Consider the fact that both must be on the right page to be able to rewrite the book of your relationship.

2. You understand contribution dynamics and are ready to take your responsibilities.

 Every relationship is a unique blend of what two individuals bring to it: their flaws, their strengths, their traumas, their beliefs, and so on. So, it’s essential to recognize that you and your partner contribute equally to the relationship dynamics.

Yet we tend to point out the other person’s faults and ignore our own, blaming them for our relationship experience. If we don’t recognize and understand the role we play in our relationship patterns, we risk becoming trapped in it.

Therefore, you must take full responsibility for your feelings, behaviors, words, etc., and their impact on your relationship so you can help it evolve positively.

3. You’re ready for counseling and the inner work to move forward on the path of your relationship transformation.

 The relationship can flourish if you and your partner engage in counseling or inner work. To make a relationship evolve positively or save it, you have to be willing to focus on your personal development rather than on the outcome of the relationship.

For example, consider the case of two of my clients. R. saw himself as a victim of A.’s anger. However, his response to her anger – hidden compliance and control – was also part of the problem. The breakthrough came when R. acted with truth and love towards himself.

Let’s take the example of another of my clients. M. felt unseen by his wife, L., due to her lack of interest in intimacy. He was about to consider separating. However, through counseling, he discovered that L. didn’t feel seen either, but for reasons different from his own, which was affecting his desire for intimacy. They had three children, and both felt it was worth giving their relationship another chance. By communicating openly and being attentive to the other’s point of view, they were able to reconnect with their intimacy. 

Once you’ve intentionally set out on the path of positive relationship development, you need to proceed with changes and improvements.

1. Willing to change.

Change is the lifeblood of growth in a relationship. It’s about evolving together and separately. When only one partner is committed to personal growth, it can create a dynamic where one is constantly changing while the other remains static.

It can lead to feelings of disconnect or resentment. You and your partner need to be open to learning and growing, not just for the relationship but for your fulfillment.

Additional Insight: Consider the metaphor of a garden where both gardeners need to tend to their plants. If only one does, some plants will thrive while others wither. A balanced effort leads to a flourishing garden, much like a balanced effort in personal growth leads to a flourishing relationship.

2. Improve communication.

Communicating isn’t just about talking; it’s also about truly understanding each other, which is essential to the relationship. 

Effective communication, therefore, involves active listening, empathy, and the ability to express oneself honestly and respectfully. This communication is about more than just solving problems in the relationship. It should also be used to share joys and dreams.

Understand that healthy communication between you is the bridge that will connect your two separate worlds.

Additional Insight: Think of communication as a dance; sometimes, it’s slow and intimate; other times, it’s fast and energetic. The key is to strive to regulate your steps towards understanding and harmony by modulating and tuning your movements.

3. Respect and safety.

A relationship without respect and safety is like a house without a foundation. It’s not just about the absence of abuse; it’s about mutual respect and the feeling of safety to be oneself. Emotional safety is as crucial as physical safety, creating an environment where vulnerabilities can be shared without fear of judgment or retribution.

Additional Insight: Respect and safety are the soil in which love grows. Without them, love cannot take root or thrive.

4. Shared values and goals.

Shared values and goals act as a compass for the relationship, guiding decisions and ensuring both partners move in the same direction. Individual interests and aspirations are okay, but core values and life goals should be aligned. This alignment fosters a deeper connection and understanding.

Additional Insight: Imagine your relationship as a tandem bike ride; the journey is harmonious if both riders pedal towards the same destination. But if one wants to go in one direction and the other in another, you’ll crash!

5. Love and affection.

The love and affection displayed in a relationship give it a heartbeat. They make the hard times bearable and the good times even better. They are gentle reminders of why you chose each other. This foundation of love helps couples weather the storms of life together.

Additional Insight: Love and affection are like the sun and rain to a plant. They nourish and sustain the relationship, allowing it to grow and bloom beautifully.

Conclusion.

The journey of a relationship is not linear and requires adjustments along the way. Without them, your couple risks stagnating, bogging down, and falling apart.

When doubt creeps in, and you wonder whether you’re on the road to improving your relationship, here’s a summary of what I’ve just detailed and what you should check:

• Each partner has the deep intention of wanting to improve and save the relationship.
• Each partner assumes responsibility for these necessary changes and their role in the relationship experience.
• Each partner is ready to make the efforts that will lead to this desire for transformation and fulfillment of the relationship.

Improving and saving a relationship requires willingness, awareness, and mutual commitment. And the effort it takes is the key to a more fulfilling and lasting relationship.

Remember that relationships are like gardens. It needs care, attention, and love to flourish.

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