Welcome to the AI-mediated relationship

We are in a new era. Not just of dating apps and relationship podcasts. But of outsourced intimacy. AI is now not only helping us write Tinder bios but mediate our breakups, coach us through emotional flashpoints, and craft the “perfect” apology text.

And listen, as someone who uses AI daily and marvels at what it can do creatively with it, I’m not here to shame you for asking a chatbot what to say when your partner ghosts you or gaslights you or guilt-trips you. I get it. We are overwhelmed, under-resourced, and sometimes we need a pocket therapist.

But let’s talk about what happens when AI becomes a substitute for the real work of relating and healing.

The story of Nicole & Darren: Insight without embodiment

Nicole and Darren had just emerged from a long cycle of constant conflicts and turmoil. Emotions ran high. Boundaries were paper-thin. Every conversation felt like an audition for who was “hurt” or “more conscious.”

When they started using ChatGPT to script their responses to each other, something subtle but dangerous began to unfold. Instead of slowing down to feel, they began escalating into who could write the most blaming evolved narrative. Conflict became performance. Vulnerability became strategy.

The result? More confusion. More disconnection.

Because truth lives in the body. Not in a perfectly phrased response. As I told Nicole later in session: “You don’t need another perspective. You need to feel what your body has been trying to tell you since this began. That you’re exhausted. That you’re done explaining. That your boundary isn’t a paragraph, it’s a breath, a pause, a door closing.”

AI gave them words. But it couldn’t give them wisdom.

The WhatsApp war: Phoneus & Jaya’s battle of transcendence

Then there was the WhatsApp saga.

Jaya and Phoeneus, mid-repair from an infidelity that was taking them to a potential breakup, each turned to ChatGPT to help process and respond o each other outside or our sessions. What began as an attempt to communicate better became what I now call: An Outsourced Battle of Transcendence.

Every message was a philosophically-constructed grenade. “As I’ve come to realize in my healing journey…” “Perhaps this is a mirror for the mother wound you still refuse to look at…”

They weren’t talking to each other anymore. They were talking to each other’s trauma-informed avatars.

And, tragically, ChatGPT began nudging each of them to consider that their “true soulmate” might be someone else.

You can imagine how that went.

They nearly lost each other. Not because they didn’t love each other, but because they started letting the algorithm play therapist instead of doing the messy, embodied, present work of conflict, rupture, and repair.

AI is brilliant. But it can’t feel.

Let’s be honest. ChatGPT is impressive. It’s wise, articulate, and quick. It synthesizes decades of psychological frameworks in milliseconds and in the languages of your choice. 

But what it can’t do is track your body tightening when your partner speaks. It can’t see the flicker of grief in your eyes when you say you’re fine. It doesn’t know that your silence is not surrender but freeze.

ChatGPT doesn’t have intuition. It doesn’t have trauma. It doesn’t know how your mother spoke to you when you cried. Or what you never got to say to your father. It can’t catch the micro-shifts of emotional manipulation, or track when someone is “being nice” instead of being real.

This is what real practitioners are for. Not because we’re smarter. But because we can feel you. We can see the pattern under the pattern. We know that healing is not a sentence but a somatic shift.

Use AI. But don’t abdicate your humanity.

Yes, ask ChatGPT for language when you’re frozen. Let it help you unpack an idea when your mind is spinning. But don’t let it replace your inner knowing. Don’t trade the messy, miraculous, human process of feeling for a clean, cognitive shortcut.

Because the work of relationship isn’t about who says the most conscious thing.

It’s about who is willing to stay present when their nervous system wants to flee.

It’s about who can feel their no.

It’s about who chooses truth over performance.

Final thought for you

Use the tools. Use ChatGPT or any upcoming AI of your choice. Use it to grow. To learn. To support. 

But when it comes to love? To rupture? To soul contracts and sacred boundaries?

Come back to your breath. Your body. Your truth.

Because your most powerful guidance system is not artificial intelligence.

It’s your living, feeling, wise, untamed humanity and beating heart!

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Years ago, during a silent retreat, I experienced what felt like a massive breakthrough. Everything became crystal clear: I identified the root of one of my most painful relationship patterns, tracing it back to childhood and recognizing its recurring presence in my adult relationships. I cried, forgave, and felt free.

But within weeks of returning home, I found myself back in the same dynamics, saying the same things, reacting in the same ways. The “aha” moment had faded, and old patterns resumed control.

This experience taught me a crucial lesson: Breakthroughs are beautiful, but they are not enough.

The neuroscience of why breakthroughs fade

Dr. Joe Dispenza teaches that transformation happens not at the moment of insight, but in the consistent rewiring of our brain. “You can’t create a new future while you’re living in your past,” he says. “To truly change is to think greater than your environment.”

Your nervous system doesn’t speak the language of insight. It speaks of repetition, safety, and sensation. A cognitive shift without somatic integration is like planting a seed and never watering it.

When have you had a moment of clarity, only to go back to the same pattern? What part of you was still running the old story?

For me, in the days and weeks that followed my breakthrough, I had seen the pattern but I hadn’t embodied a new way of being. I hadn’t practiced the pause between trigger and reaction. I hadn’t mapped a new response in my body. My brain had a glimpse, but my body was still in the past.

Dr. Joe Dispenza outlines a four-step process for change:

1. Awareness: Recognize the unconscious thoughts and behaviours that no longer serve you.
2. Understanding: Comprehend the impact of these patterns on your life.
3. Reconditioning: Replace old habits with new, empowering ones through repetition.
4. Reinforcement: Consistently practice these new behaviours to solidify change.

As Dispenza notes, “Meditating for an hour in the morning is wonderful, but what about the rest of your day? Who are you being for the majority of your waking hours?”

Awareness is not transformation.

I also like that Tony Robbins says plainly: “Knowledge is not power. Execution is power.”

Aha moments feel like liberation, but without daily engagement, they become spiritual entertainment. We collect breakthroughs like souvenirs from healing retreats we attend and good spiritual books we read. But our lives only shift when our behaviour shifts.

Are you mistaking awareness for change? Where have you stopped at insight, instead of walking it forward in action?

I did this for years. I would name the wound, trace the pattern, even explain it with eloquence (my favourite words were “Now that I know…”) but I continue living from it. Because insight alone doesn’t heal. It opens the door. But you still have to walk through it.

Embodiment is the bridge between knowing and becoming

Embodiment is where the magic happens. This is where the nervous system gets the memo. Where insight becomes instinct. Where the idea of boundary becomes a felt sense of safety in the body. Where saying “no” doesn’t feel like danger, but reconnects you with your sense of dignity.

Embodiment is the practice of integrating insights into your daily life. It’s about aligning your thoughts, emotions, and actions with your newfound understanding.

This means:

• Mindful Awareness: Regularly checking in with yourself to ensure your actions align with your values.
• Emotional Regulation: Developing the capacity to respond rather than react to triggers.
• Consistent Practice: Engaging in daily rituals that reinforce your desired changes.

Without embodiment, breakthroughs remain fleeting moments rather than lasting transformations.

It took me years of working with breath, meditation, Core Energetics, and movement to start building my new baseline. At first, I couldn’t even recognise the moment I was abandoning myself. It happened too fast.

But over time, I began to use my body as my greatest guiding system, I felt the cue, the clench in my gut, the collapse in my voice, the forward lean of overfunctioning.

And then I could pause.

That pause became the ground for choice.

Take a pause right now, and a deep breath: What does your body do when you’re abandoning yourself? Can you track it? Can you breathe into it instead of bypassing it?

Creating new neural pathways – Practice, Repetition, Ritual

Neuroplasticity is the ability of your brain to rewire itself. And this requires what Joe Dispenza calls “mental rehearsal.”Visualization, repetition, and emotional engagement create new connections.

Tony Robbins adds: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, and there is no breakthrough without a breakdown.” This highlights the necessity of dismantling old patterns to make way for new ones.

To create new neural pathways:

• Interrupt old patterns: Identify and disrupt habitual responses.
• Introduce something new: Engage in new experiences that challenge your existing beliefs.
• Repetition: Consistently practice new behaviours to strengthen new neural connections.

This process requires patience and persistence, as the brain needs time to adapt to new ways of thinking and behaving, so don’t give up at the first sight of seeing yourself back to old ways.

For me, change hasn’t come just from feeling the pain and wanting to escape it, it’s come from a deeper devotion to what I truly desire. Pain may wake me up, but it’s desire and dedication that move me forward.

Devotion began to take form through daily rituals that were simple but sacred acts that anchored me back into presence. Grounding practices, movement, boundary declarations, conscious writing, meditation, yoga, breathwork, they became my portals, not my performances.

Sometimes it just looked like dancing at home in the middle of day; other times, like taking a midday nap, not as indulgence, but as a conscious choice to reset and return to the version of myself I’m committed to becoming, rather than dragging forward my depleted self. I began to relate to my body not as a passive witness to wisdom, but as the living temple that holds, integrates, and expresses it.

What daily ritual helps you live the truth you now know? Are you willing to inconvenience your ego to serve your becoming?

Integration – a sacred discipline of becoming

Think of integration as the ongoing process of weaving new insights into the fabric of your life. It’s about making conscious choices that reflect your growth and committing to continuous self-awareness.

This involves:

• Setting intentions: Clearly define your goals and the steps needed to achieve them. Review them weekly.
• Accountability: Seek support from others to stay committed to your path. Share your commitment with your partner, a friend, or anyone you trust to keep you accountable.
• Reflection: Regularly assess your progress and adjust your approach as needed.

Through integration, transformation becomes a sustainable journey rather than a momentary event. Integration is where healing becomes real. It’s in the moment you want to react but choose to breathe. When you want to explain or justify, but instead self-soothe. When you want to collapse, but you stand.

Over the years, this has become my deepest medicine. (and one of my hardest practices!)

I still get caught. I still feel old patterns rise like ghosts. But now, they don’t “overpower” me. I see them. I name them. I breathe. I choose again.

And when I mess up, I clean up and reset again.

This is the work. This is the walk. This is the sacred assignment of being human.

Breakthroughs are the initiation, but embodiment and integration are the path.

Final Reflections

By understanding the neuroscience of change, practicing embodiment, creating new neural pathways, and integrating insights into daily life, you can move beyond fleeting moments of clarity to a life of sustained growth and fulfilment.

Can you feel the difference between knowing something and living it?

What if your healing didn’t depend on more insights, but more practice?

What if the most spiritual thing you could do today was to keep a promise to yourself?

I now know that I don’t need another breakthrough.

I need to honor the ones I’ve already had.

And maybe, so do you.

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Take a breath. I mean it—right now, take a deep breath.

I know you don’t want to hear that this pain will pass. Right now, it feels unbearable. And that’s okay. You are not supposed to know what to do in this moment. There is no right way to feel. But please, for now, let’s just slow down together. You do not have to figure everything out today.

A Different Perspective on Infidelity

I want to take a moment to address something important. I am not a big fan of the words cheating or betrayal. They feel limited, linear, and binary—as if there must always be a clear victim and a clear villain. But human relationships are far more complex than that. Infidelity is rarely black and white. Both partners, in different ways, have been suffering. Both are facing a deep and painful life challenge.

Society often reduces infidelity to a simple moral failing, but it is far more intricate. It is about unmet needs, unresolved wounds, silent disconnections, and unspoken pain. It does not excuse what happened, but it does mean there is more to understand. And that understanding can offer a path forward—whether together or apart.

What Not to Do Right Now

1. Be careful who you confide in.
   
   • Your instinct might be to tell someone—anyone—who will listen. But not everyone is equipped to hold your pain the way you need. Some will add fuel to your fire; others will give you advice from their own wounds. Right now, you need clarity, not more confusion.
2. Hold off on making drastic decisions.
   
   • You may want to run, lash out, and say things you can’t take back. I understand. But right now, your emotions are overwhelming, and choosing from a place of devastation often leads to regret. There will be time to decide what comes next, I promise.
3. Protect your children from your pain.
   
   • If you have children, they need you to be their safe place. They don’t need the details of what happened—they need the security of knowing that they are loved and that the adults in their world will handle this.
4. Don’t let anger or guilt define this moment.
   
   • Whether you are the one who has been betrayed or the one who has broken trust, this is not the entirety of your story. You are more than your pain, more than your mistakes.

What You Can Do Right Now

1. Find a moment of stillness.
   
   • I know this sounds impossible, but even a few seconds of deep breathing can stop the spiral. Place your hand over your heart. Feel its beat. You are here. You are surviving this moment. That is enough for now.
2. Allow yourself to grieve.
   
   • This is grief—the loss of trust, the loss of what you believed your relationship was. And grief has no set timeline. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel the rage, the sadness, the confusion. You are allowed to mourn.
3. Know that this is not the full story.
   
   • Right now, you see the explosion, the destruction. But infidelity is never just about a single moment—it is about everything that was happening before it. It is about wounds neither of you may have even realized existed. There is an entire world beneath this pain, and in time, clarity will come.
     
     

      

To the Partner Who Feels Hurt and Lost: I See You.

I see the way your heart aches, the way you wonder if you weren’t enough if you missed the signs if everything was a lie. It wasn’t. You gave your love, trust, and your most vulnerable self, which is not something to be ashamed of. Your love was real, and it mattered.

Right now, you may feel like your identity has been shattered—like you don’t know who you are outside of this pain. But you are still here. You are still whole, even if you don’t feel like it yet. Your worth has never been measured by another’s choices. You deserve love, respect, and truth.

You do not need to rush to forgiveness or a decision. You only need to give yourself time to breathe, grieve, and process. And know that healing—whatever that may look like for you—is possible.

To the Partner Who Made a Painful Choice: I See You, Too.

You are drowning in guilt, in the fear of losing everything, in the shame of what you have done. You may feel unworthy of love, of forgiveness, of even speaking. You may feel like a monster. But listen to me—you are not. You are human. You are flawed, as we all are. And if you are willing to face yourself with honesty, there is a way forward.

It’s not just about regret here. Regret is easy. Genuine remorse takes courage—the courage to ask yourself why this happened, sit in discomfort rather than run, and take responsibility without drowning in shame.

If you want to heal, you cannot just say, I’m sorry. You must do the work. Not just for your partner, but for yourself—to understand what led you here, to become someone you can be proud of, to create something new from the wreckage.

Your Next Steps

Let’s face it, this is not an easy journey to take alone. Finding the proper guidance can help you move through this with clarity rather than years of unanswered questions and unprocessed pain. With the right understanding, this experience—however painful—can become the foundation for something new, whether that’s a stronger relationship or a healthier future for yourself.

One day, this unbearable weight will begin to lighten. One day, you will wake up, and the pain won’t be the first thing you feel. One day, you will look back at this moment not as your life ended but as the moment you stepped into something new.

For now, breathe. That is all you need to do. And that is plenty.

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If you’re here, you’re likely navigating one of the hardest emotional battles of your life. And while it may feel like no one understands, let me assure you—you are not alone.

Why This Pain Feels Unbearable

Betrayal wounds differently than other types of loss. When trust is broken by the one person who was supposed to be your safe space, the mind and body react as if you’ve been physically harmed.

The shock triggers survival instincts: fight, flight, freeze. One moment, you may feel numb, detached from reality. The next, you may feel consumed by rage, sadness, or an overwhelming need to make sense of it all.

What makes infidelity uniquely painful is not just the act itself but what it represents—the shattering of the story you believed in. The person who once felt like home suddenly feels like a stranger. The relationship you invested in feels like an illusion. And your sense of security? Gone.

So if you’re struggling, questioning everything, unable to focus, unable to sleep—this is not a sign of weakness. It’s a natural response to deep emotional trauma.

And yet, amid the pain, there is something powerful at play.

Time Doesn’t Heal Infidelity—What You Do With Time Does

There’s a common belief that if you just wait, if you just endure, if you just “get over it,“ things will get better. But here’s the truth: time alone doesn’t heal betrayal.

What you do with that time determines everything.

Some people spend years in bitterness, carrying the wound long after the relationship ends. Others rebuild stronger than before, not because they forget but because they use this experience to create something new—whether a healed relationship or a deeper one with themselves.

The difference? The path they choose to walk.

Healing from infidelity is not about “getting back to normal.“ That version of normal no longer exists. It’s about creating something different, something healthier, something real. And that requires more than time—it requires conscious, guided action.

The Illusion of Quick Fixes and Why They Fail

When faced with infidelity, many people search for immediate relief. Some demand all the details, thinking that knowing everything will ease the pain. Others go silent, shutting down in an effort to protect themselves. Some rush into therapy, expecting a few sessions to undo the damage.

And then there are those who make ultimatums: “Tell me everything, and maybe I’ll stay.” “Prove your love, and I’ll forgive you.” “If I just forgive quickly, we can move on.”

None of these approaches work in the long run.

Why? Because true healing isn’t about quick fixes—it’s about transformation. It’s about understanding why this happened, what needs to change, and how to rebuild trust in a way that isn’t just about words but about actions, consistency, and emotional safety.

The Path to Rebuilding (Or Letting Go With Clarity)

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s this: infidelity is not just about what happened—it’s about what happens next.

This isn’t just about staying or leaving. It’s about healing the wounds that led to this—both in the relationship and within yourself. It’s about regaining trust, not just in your partner (if you choose to stay) but also in your own intuition, boundaries, and worth.

Step 1: Stabilizing the Emotional Storm

Before you make any big decisions, there must be emotional stability. It doesn’t mean suppressing emotions—it means creating enough space to process them without making choices from a place of pain.

• Allow yourself to feel everything, but don’t let emotions dictate irreversible decisions.
• Take space if needed. Time apart can offer clarity that immediate reactions cannot.
• Establish boundaries for communication—when, how, and what is discussed.

Step 2: Understanding the ‘Why‘ (Beyond Just the Act Itself)

One of the hardest truths about infidelity is that it rarely happens in isolation. It is often a symptom of deeper issues—personal, relational, or both. Understanding the why is not about excusing the betrayal; it’s about ensuring it never happens again.

This is where deep work begins:

• What emotional needs were unmet in the relationship?
• What personal struggles contributed to this choice (on either side)?
• How did past wounds, childhood patterns, or unconscious beliefs shape this relationship dynamic?

Without addressing these questions, trust cannot truly be rebuilt—it can only be patched together temporarily.

Step 3: Rebuilding Trust Through Actions, Not Promises

If trust is to be restored, it must be through visible, consistent actions. Words will never be enough.

• Transparency – This doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean no more deception. Full honesty, even when uncomfortable.
• Emotional safety – Both partners must feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment, punishment, or manipulation.
• Commitment to change – Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or structured relationship work, healing requires intentional effort, not just a desire to move on.

Step 4: Redefining the Relationship (Or Parting With Clarity)

Every relationship has a choice after infidelity: rebuild into something new or let go with wisdom.

If you choose to stay, this relationship cannot simply be the “old relationship with an apology.“ It must evolve, with new agreements, new levels of honesty, and a different way of showing up for each other.

If you choose to leave, this is an opportunity for deep personal healing—so that this wound does not define your future relationships or your self-worth.

Your Pain Is Not the End of Your Story

Right now, it may feel like this betrayal has shattered you. But what if—just maybe—this is not the end of your story, but the beginning of something profoundly transformative?

What if this experience is not meant to break you, but to wake you up to something deeper?

A different way of loving. A different way of showing up. A different way of trusting—not just in another person, but in yourself.

The path is here. The next step is yours to take.

Are you ready?

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In France, expressions like “Don’t smile stupidly” or “What’s wrong with you?” when one smiles without reason reflect a profoundly ingrained scepticism toward unfiltered happiness.

The result? We learn to withhold joy, display it selectively, and often forget to cultivate it in the spaces that matter most—our relationships.

The Journey Back to Joy

Joy is not a luxury; it is a necessity. It acts as a lifeline in times of hardship and a bridge in moments of disconnection. Yet, many of us have experienced life events such as a breakup, a job loss, or a health scare that made us detach from our joy. Reaccessing this birthright is not a passive process but an intentional journey. Like any addiction, but in the healthiest sense, we must cultivate a craving for joy, a longing to experience it more thoroughly and more frequently.

The paradox is that when we focus on our joy, we don’t just enrich ourselves—we enrich our relationships. A joyful heart is more open, more generous, and more attuned to the beauty in others. When we feel good, we notice the goodness in our partner; we become more willing to create moments of connection rather than waiting for them to happen.

Why We Show Our Best Joy Outside the Home

Ironically, we often reserve our most joyful, playful selves for the world outside our home. With friends, colleagues, and even strangers, we put effort into being engaging and pleasant. But joy often takes a backseat at home—with the person we have chosen to share our life with. Why? because we take each other for granted. We unconsciously believe that our partner will always be there, so we no longer see the need to be our most radiant, joyful selves.

Imagine if we actively cultivated joy within our relationships instead of reserving it for the outside world? What if we greeted our partner with the same enthusiasm we show a long-lost friend? What if we infused our daily interactions with more lightness, laughter, and playfulness? The impact would be profound.

The Role of Gratitude in Reawakening Joy: The Power is in your hands

Gratitude is the gateway to joy. It is nearly impossible to feel truly grateful and not feel a spark of pleasure arise within. When we shift our focus from what is lacking to what is present, from what irritates us to what delights us, joy becomes more accessible.

A simple practice: Each day, take a moment to reflect on something your partner did that you appreciate. It can be as small as making your coffee or as deep as how they held space for you in a difficult moment. We naturally create more of it when we train ourselves to notice the good.

Bringing More Joy into Your Relationship

1. Prioritize playfulness—Laugh together, be silly, break routines, and surprise each other. Joy thrives in spontaneity.
2. Express appreciation often – Tell your partner what you love about them. Remind them (and yourself) why you chose them.
3. Create joyful rituals – These intentional practices bring joy into your relationship. For instance, you can have a ‘joy check-in’ where you ask each other, ‘What brought you joy today?’ or start mornings with a playful dance in the kitchen. My husband and I have had this ritual ingrained as a lifestyle for years, and it works like magic in shifting the most sluggish mood.
4. Heal the blocks to joy: If you find it hard to feel joy, ask yourself why. What beliefs, wounds, or fears might be keeping you from it?
5. Stop waiting for special occasions – Joy is not meant to be saved for vacations or milestones. Infuse your daily life with it now.

The Ripple Effect of Joy

When we reclaim our joy, we don’t just heal ourselves—we uplift those around us. Relationships flourish when joy is present. It strengthens bonds, eases tensions, and deepens intimacy. Joy is not a distraction from the depth of life—it is an essential part of it.

So, let us become addicts—not to substances, distractions, or fleeting pleasures—but to joy. Let us reclaim what was always ours and, in doing so, transform not just ourselves but the relationships that define our lives. This transformation is not just a possibility, but a promise, waiting to be fulfilled.

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So, how do we navigate this intricate landscape of thoughts at the origins of our digressions and bring order to them?

It’s a question many of us grapple with, and the answer lies in understanding the why and how of this mental journey.

The why: understanding the purpose of thoughts.

First, let’s delve into the why. Why does our mind produce thoughts – sometimes cheerful and uplifting or negative and discouraging – that take us away from the facts? To understand this, you need to know that our thoughts are not merely random occurrences and that they pursue precise objectives:

Survival Instinct.

Our brain is wired to keep us safe. It alerts us to potential dangers, producing cautious thoughts that enable us to assess the risks. While this survival instinct is vital, it can sometimes create unnecessary anxiety when applied to everyday situations.

Processing Information.

Thoughts help us process the vast amount of information continuously gathered by all our alert senses. They enable us to make sense of our experiences, form memories, and solve problems.

Emotional Expression.

Thoughts are a channel for our emotions. They shape and form our feelings, helping us understand and communicate what we’re going through. This emotional expression is a crucial aspect of our human experience.

Self-Identity.

Our thoughts play a pivotal role in shaping our self-identity. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are, our capabilities and our limitations can significantly impact our self-esteem and overall well-being.

Our thoughts in pursuit of these objectives are controlled by our ego, which is responsible for maintaining our constructed identity. (To be developed to answer the initial question, Why does our mind produce thoughts that take us away from the facts? 

The how: navigating the landscape.

Now that we’ve explored the why let’s focus on the how—how to navigate this intricate landscape of our thoughts and make our speech more in line with what is :

Question and challenge.

When a thought arises, particularly one that feels heavy or unsettling, take a moment to pause and question its validity. Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Challenge these thoughts as if you’re a detective seeking the truth. You’ll often discover these thoughts are based on assumptions or past experiences that may no longer be relevant.

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool that allows you to observe your thoughts without judgment. It’s like stepping back and watching a parade pass by without getting caught up in the floats. When you engage in mindfulness, you create a space between yourself and your thoughts. This space offers clarity and perspective, enabling you to respond to your thoughts consciously.

Grow positive thoughts.

Imagine your mind as a garden that needs tending. So, just as the gardener removes invasive weeds and tends the flowers, cultivate your useful, rewarding, and stimulating thoughts and eliminate those that aren’t and hinder your growth. To do this, get into the habit of incorporating positive affirmations into your daily routine. These are short, uplifting statements that counteract negative or self-limiting thoughts. By repeating positive affirmations, you can rewire your thought patterns over time.

Journaling.

Keeping a journal can be a therapeutic way to explore and understand your thoughts. Write down your thoughts as they arise, and then analyze them objectively. Are they serving you? How do you feel when you have that thought? Journaling provides an opportunity for self-reflection and insight. 

Be kind to yourself.

Lastly, approach your thoughts with kindness and compassion. It’s essential to remember that it’s perfectly normal to have negative thoughts occasionally. What truly matters is how you choose to handle them. Instead of criticizing yourself for having such thoughts, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a dear friend going through a tough time. Remember, you are only human, and your thoughts don’t define your worth.

Conclusion.

Understanding why all these thoughts are productive and implementing the tips above will help you stay calm and learn from the ramblings in your narrative for which they are responsible.

Remember that your thoughts are not set in stone, and you have the power to shape them, ultimately leading to a healthier and more positive mental landscape.

Don’t hesitate to ask a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for support when you feel overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts. Sharing them with someone you trust can give you a fresh perspective and emotional relief.

And be aware that you are not your thoughts but this magnificent and perfectly complex Being who has the power to live in harmony with what is and to learn from the experiences of reality to grow.

I wish you a transformative journey on the path of conscious thought and self-love! 

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The mind’s forgotten ally.

Late nights of studying or endless hours behind a desk may seem like the price we pay for success, but they often come at the cost of our physical well-being. It’s vital to remember that the mind lives in a body, and this body needs to stay healthy to reciprocate with healthy thoughts and moral fortitude. A tired, neglected vessel is ill-equipped to carry the weight of ambition and aspiration. Ignoring the body not only leads to physical ailments but can also manifest as mental fatigue, stress, and diminished self-esteem.

The body-mind connection.

Our body plays a pivotal role in how we are perceived from the outside and how we perceive ourselves. Imagine someone walking into a room with slumped shoulders and a hunched back, indicating exhaustion and lack of energy. Now compare this situation with someone who walks into the same room with shoulders straightened, back straight but supple, and a confident stride, a sign of confidence and vitality. As you can see, the difference is physical and involves a profound change in self-perception and confidence.

The power of self-care in relationships.

While the importance of self-care for personal well-being is evident, it becomes even more crucial within the context of relationships. Whether you’re single, in a committed partnership, or navigating the labyrinth of dating, your physical health profoundly impacts your ability to foster and sustain meaningful connections.

In a relationship, self-care isn’t a selfish act but a gift to yourself and your partner. A healthy body fuels a positive self-image, and when you feel good about yourself, you bring a vibrant energy to your relationship. Imagine the difference between entering a relationship with low self-esteem, perpetually exhausted, and riddled with health issues versus showing up as a confident, energized, and healthy individual.

Taking care of your body is a demonstration of love and respect not only for yourself but for your partner as well. It communicates that you value your relationship enough to invest in your well-being, which, in turn, enriches the collective experience. Healthy bodies make for happier individuals, and happier individuals create stronger, more harmonious relationships.

When both partners prioritize self-care, it fosters a culture of well-being within the relationship. It encourages open communication about health goals, exercise routines, and dietary choices. This shared commitment to physical health strengthens the bond between partners as they inspire each other to make healthier choices, embark on fitness journeys together, and provide unwavering support.

Empowering the body, empowering the self.

So, how do you align your body and mind on a high vibration to strengthen your self-esteem? Below are some tips to help you nourish your physical self and, in turn, empower your entire being:

1. Prioritize Sleep: Rest is the cornerstone of physical and mental health. Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night to recharge your body and mind.

2. Stay Active: Incorporate regular exercise into your routine. It doesn’t have to be grueling; even a brisk walk, yoga, or dancing can invigorate your body and boost your mood.

3. Eat Mindfully: Fuel your body with balanced, nourishing meals. Opt for whole foods, plenty of fruits and vegetables, and hydrate adequately.

4. Manage Stress: Practice stress-reduction techniques like meditation, deep breathing, or mindfulness to keep your mind calm and your body relaxed.

5. Connect with Nature: Spend time outdoors, immerse yourself in the beauty of the natural world, and rejuvenate your spirit.

6. Regular Check-Ups: Don’t neglect medical check-ups and screenings. Prevention is often more effective than treatment, even if you are not big on allopathic medicine.

7. Self-Care Rituals: Incorporate self-care rituals into your daily life, whether it’s a warm bath, a good book, or moments of quiet reflection.

8. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no when needed and prioritize your well-being. Boundaries protect your energy and prevent burnout.

9. Stay Hydrated: Water is essential for bodily functions and mental clarity. Make it a habit to drink enough water throughout the day.

10. Celebrate Progress: Celebrate your physical achievements, no matter how small. Each step towards a healthier body is a step towards a more empowered self.

In short.

Remember, you are the custodian of your mind and body, and their well-being is your responsibility. By nurturing your physical self, you empower your mind to soar to greater heights, and in doing so, you embrace a fuller, more vibrant life. Your body is your loyal companion on this journey, so treat it with the love, care, and respect it deserves. In this harmonious union of mind and body, you’ll find the strength to navigate life’s challenges and the courage to chase your dreams with vitality and vigor.

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Let’s consciously sidestep these limiting beliefs and misconceptions we hold about ourselves. Instead of dwelling on perceived flaws, let’s take a moment to embrace and celebrate the exceptional beauty within each of us. It’s a journey toward self-acceptance and self-love that can profoundly transform our lives.

I know objectively that our uniqueness and the radiance of our inner light make us truly beautiful. And when I don’t let myself be influenced by society’s diktats and connect with myself, I experience this statement. So, fitting into a mold or meeting an agreed-upon standard doesn’t make us indisputably beautiful!

Therefore, the solution to perceiving our beauty is to accept, love, and value our individuality and uniqueness, to learn to look in the mirror and see ourselves beyond societal norms. 

We must learn to cherish the myriad stories, struggles, and strength that our body and face reflect—each a testament to our life experiences that have shaped us into uniquely remarkable individuals.

These lines etched upon our skin, the creases that form with each smile, and the scars that narrate battles we fought and won are not blemishes but rather eloquent images of the chapters of our existence.

Every curve and relief of our entire body bears witness to our joys and sorrows, laughter and tears, and talk about the singularity of our journey and the richness of our lives.

It’s futile to attempt to conform to conventional beauty standards. Our life experiences are etched into our very being, shaping our bodies and leaving their marks on our faces. Resisting these unique imprints would be a disavowal of our true selves. What could be more detrimental to our self-esteem than such self-denial?

In this article, I motivate us to accept our uniqueness and marks of distinction, embrace them with all our being, and explore how to do that, for they are the indelible imprints of our extraordinary journey through the kaleidoscope of existence. They are the light that emphasizes our beauty.

Unmasking the ego’s traps.

The role of our ego is to maintain our identity, built around who we think we are. To do this, it feeds on our insecurities and fears, locking us in our doubts. 

Influenced by the diktats of our society and always finding ourselves less this or less that because we don’t meet its criteria of beauty, our ego tries to convince us that we must strive to resemble others to find ourselves beautiful.

In so doing, it draws us into a vicious circle of comparison and dependence on society’s changing beauty standards, those of magazine covers, or the well-regulated lives of social media influencers. It even goes so far as to convince us that our happiness depends on our ability to match these images.

But our worth is not dependent on likes, followers, or the admiration of those around us.

We cannot let our ego fool us. Instead, let’s move forward at the pace of our hearts, celebrating our unique and perfect essence. That’s how we can free ourselves from its suffocating grip and create a new space where self-love and self-acceptance reign supreme and our tendency to compare ourselves is a distant memory.

Nurturing your unique beauty: accepting what makes you, You.

Our journey toward welcoming our unique beauty begins with a simple yet profound shift in perspective. It’s about rewiring ourselves to our hearts to appreciate and nurture what makes us different. Here are some ways and tips to help you on this empowering journey.

1. Self-reflection and self-love.

Start by setting aside time for self-reflection. Look inward and acknowledge the qualities that make you unique. What are your strengths, your passions, your quirks? Reflect on these aspects and practice self-love by celebrating them. Write them down in a journal or repeat them as daily affirmations.

2. Break free from social comparisons.

Social media platforms often showcase curated and idealized versions of people’s lives. Remembering that what we see online is only part of the story is crucial. Limit your exposure to content that triggers comparison, and curate your feeds looking for positivity and authenticity. Unfollow accounts that promote unrealistic beauty standards.

3. Embrace your flaws.

Our imperfections are what make us beautifully and perfectly imperfect. They tell our stories of resilience, experience, and growth. Instead of hiding them, celebrate them. Also, remember that what you perceive as a flaw may be considered a unique and endearing quality by someone else.

4. Cultivate self-compassion.

Be kind to yourself, especially in moments of self-doubt. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer to a dear friend. Remember that nobody is perfect, and we all have insecurities. By practicing self-compassion, you’ll build a stronger foundation of self-esteem.

5. Surround yourself with positivity.

Establish a social circle of people who appreciate your uniqueness. Seek out communities that embrace diversity and individuality. Your social environment has a significant impact on your self-image.

6. Authenticity in style.

Express your unique beauty through your style. Don’t conform to trends that don’t resonate with you. Instead, curate a wardrobe that reflects your personality and comfort. When you feel good in your skin, your inner beauty shines.

7. Practice gratitude.

Every day, take a moment to express gratitude for your unique qualities. Gratitude reminds us of the presence of abundance in our lives and moves us from comparison to appreciation.

8. Seek inner growth.

Remember that true beauty extends beyond the physical. Invest in personal growth and self-improvement. Explore your passions, acquire new skills, and embark on adventures that feed your soul. The more you nurture your inner world, the more your outer beauty will radiate.

9. Celebrate others’ uniqueness.

As you embrace your unique beauty, extend the same celebration to others. Compliment and uplift those around you, recognizing and appreciating their distinct qualities. Creating a culture of appreciation and acceptance benefits everyone.

10. Patience and consistency.

Nurturing your unique beauty is an ongoing journey. Be patient with yourself and consistent in your efforts. Self-acceptance and self-love take time, but the results are profoundly rewarding.

In a world that often emphasizes conformity, celebrating our unique beauty is almost an act of rebellion.

Conclusion.

In our quest to recognize our unique beauty, we embark on a profound journey transcending societal norms and self-imposed limitations. As we travel this path, we discover that the true essence of beauty lies not in appearance but in knowing how to be. It lies in the quirks that make us beings in our own right, the scars that tell of our resilience, and the dreams that drive us.

By cultivating our unique beauty, we inspire others and pave the way for them to embark on a path of transformation and fulfillment. We become the witness that self-love can be a battle against the dictates of our world that’s worth fighting. Embracing our uniqueness and individuality, we pave the way for a more inclusive and compassionate world where everyone’s distinct beauty is celebrated.

So, let’s apply these tips and accept and embrace what characterizes us, and we will experience our beauty and realize how much it reflects our extraordinary personality.

From now on, our heart must be our guide and make our love for ourselves the anthem of our existence.

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What is Self-confidence?

Self-confidence is about recognizing our capabilities, talents, and the tools we possess to take action. It’s an acknowledgment of our strengths. Feeling confident in one aspect of life and unsure in another is possible. Confidence can also fluctuate, being intense one day and wavering the next.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the perception and vision of ourselves, the value we attribute to ourselves, and the level of love and respect we have for ourselves. It’s the image of ourselves, our self-confidence, and how we talk about ourselves.

How is self-esteem built?

Building self-esteem begins in early childhood and evolves according to the complex events in our lives. Some will strengthen it, and others will weaken it.

When a traumatic event leads to a sudden loss of self-esteem, it’s common to see this as the reactivation of a feeling rooted in childhood, for the foundations of self-esteem laid at the very beginning of our history.

Here are some of the factors that contribute to low self-esteem.

• Strong submission to parental authority and demands or those of important and influential childhood figures (grandparents, teachers, coaches, etc.). 
• Being exposed to recurrent criticism and reproaches, derogatory remarks, etc.
• Receiving mockery, disdain, contempt, lack of consideration or attention, discrimination, and other social exclusions.
• Going through abuse, harassment, and other emotional, physical, and sexual mistreatment.

In short, self-esteem is built on what we’ve heard about ourselves, what we’ve been told, or what has been done to us. Mainly, high or low self-esteem stems from how we’ve processed these pieces of information and the beliefs we’ve developed based on them.

The experiences that shape us sometimes lead to feelings like abandonment, rejection, injustice, betrayal, humiliation, etc. These emotions often remain hidden or unacknowledged in our consciousness. Regardless of our awareness of them, such events can result in the formation of self-limiting beliefs indicative of low self-esteem. Here are some examples:

• I’m not beautiful.
• I deserve what I get.
• I’m not talented.
• I’m not intelligent.
• I always need to be corrected.
• I’m clumsy.
• Etc.

As we grow older, specific events and experiences will awaken these feelings, further validating our beliefs and lack of self-esteem.

Remember this: Building your self-esteem results from your life’s journey. It finds its foundations in your early years and evolves with your experiences and the people you meet along the way. Today, your self-esteem is this constructed idea of your worth, a subjective opinion of yourself.

What are the symptoms of low self-esteem?

Avoiding criticism.

Someone with low self-esteem is usually reactive or emotional to criticism and often displays aggression, disdain, arrogance, etc., in response to it unless they step aside and withdraw.

If this person can’t stand criticism, they’re no less critical of themselves. The little words slipped into her sentences give her away: – I’m stupid, – I’ve made another mistake – I can’t seem to do anything right – I look ugly in these jeans, etc. Words and thoughts often emanate from an unconscious place.

Without necessarily being criticized, a simple contradiction or an opinion different from the person’s own makes them believe (consciously or unconsciously) that they are being attacked. That is why this person tends to be defensive in relationships with others.

Being too permissive or too reactive.

Another sign of low self-esteem is the difficulty, or even inability, to say no for fear (conscious or otherwise) of displeasing others. Considering they are not up to the job or fearing they won’t be, these people avoid taking a stand by asserting their point of view or ideas unless they do so awkwardly and sometimes even aggressively.

Having conflicting relationships.

Difficulties meeting other people or even being in a relationship can reveal a lack of self-esteem. Indeed, how can we attract others if we present ourselves to them with the intimate conviction that we are not attractive, pleasant, exciting, or, more simply, worthy of being loved?

Emotional vulnerability.

The tendency to stress and anxiety can also reflect the insecurities of the person who lacks self-esteem. Such emotional reactions are deeply rooted in past experiences or traumas. Over time, these unresolved feelings can compound, further exacerbating the person’s emotional vulnerability.

Physical appearance.

The body also interprets low self-esteem in its behavior. A tense gait, a bent back, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and legs, covering oneself from head to toe without necessity, for example, or never exposing oneself without make-up, etc., are all signs of low self-esteem.

Appearing overly confident.

Contrary to what one might think of a person whose personality and self-confidence are strongly asserted, they may also borrow from a lack of self-esteem. This blanket is their camouflage.

How do we maintain low self-esteem?

All these symptoms of low self-esteem are triggered and sustained by thoughts (the little voice in your head) that maintain a recurring negative internal dialogue. These thoughts aim to affirm and support limiting beliefs acquired and sometimes reinforced by life experiences.

These beliefs, which are at the base of our personality and have become the pillars of our identity, lead us to adopt behaviors that justify them.

Here are a few examples of limiting beliefs that can result from a lack of self-esteem and the behaviors they can lead to:

• Thinking of oneself is selfish (belief) – Tendency to live according to others, to forget oneself (behavior).
• Putting yourself first is pretentious (belief) – Tendency to stand aside, take a back seat, and not take your place (behavior).
• You get what you deserve (belief) – Tendency to self-flagellate, criticize, and be fatalistic in the face of adversity.

In a nutshell, here is a recap of how self-esteem is built and maintained.”

1. Self-esteem is essentially built on the beliefs we have about ourselves.
2. Most of these beliefs come from our childhood, environment, and how we were spoken.
3. These beliefs are legitimized and reinforced by our coherent thoughts about ourselves.
4. These thoughts are generated by the wounded part of our identity that suffered in the past (childhood).
5. We act (unconsciously) according to our beliefs, even if they are limiting and sometimes turn against us; in short, we act and react to remain what we believe ourselves to be at all costs. 

How to regain self-esteem?

The first step towards improved self-esteem is recognizing the situations and moments when your self-esteem falters.

If you experience feelings of anxiety, stress, frustration, anger, or despair—symptoms of low self-esteem—pause and take a deep breath to distance yourself from these emotions.

Try to link your emotion to the underlying belief that triggered it. Identify the past event or narrative that might have caused this belief.

Instead of getting lost in the event’s details, focus on understanding the root cause of your diminished self-esteem. Aim to quiet the inner voice that reinforces this negative belief, reminding yourself that these thoughts do not define you. The past event they point to has already passed.

I understand that navigating through this can be quite a challenge. Remember, whenever you need to, contact a professional therapist or coach who can provide additional support and insights to make your journey smoother and more manageable.

How to maintain self-esteem?

Get into the habit of following a healthy process.

In the process mentioned above, recognizing negative emotions, thoughts, or responses as indicative of potential low self-esteem can assist in reducing the internal dialogue that perpetuates low self-esteem.

Use your internal voice for positive purposes.

Stop criticizing yourself and harboring toxic thoughts. Instead, value yourselves, recognize your qualities, note all the beautiful things that surround you, the positive things that happen to you, and be kind to yourselves and others. See that despite obstacles, there are many opportunities to learn and grow.

Take an interest in the values that are fundamental to you.

Ensure you respect these values important to you and share them with others with kindness and without fear. After all, allowing yourself to live according to your values allows you to be authentic and, consequently, to gain self-esteem. 

Recognize your qualities.

We all have a unique way of being and existing. It makes us unique, so let’s give your particularity the attention it deserves!

Take responsibility.

Finally, remember that we alone are responsible for building our self-esteem. It’s up to us to decide and implement the strategies that will enable us to achieve this. Looking outside ourselves for validation will only lead to potential frustration and disillusionment. The solution lies within us!

Conclusion.

If our early relationship experiences shaped our self-esteem unexpectedly, or if recent events have challenged it, remembering that we have the capability and resilience to nurture and enhance it is empowering.

As adults, we are responsible for providing ourselves with the love, acceptance, appreciation, and consideration we lacked as children. The key is recognizing and accepting the root of our low self-esteem and understanding that we have the resources to (re)kindle and maintain it to serve our lives better.

I want to conclude with this magnificent phrase from French psychiatrist and psychotherapist Christophe André: “Accepting imperfection is proof that the taste for life has won out over the obsession with self-image…”

A sentence that underlines an essential point: we are perfectly imperfect beings, and that’s perfect in itself.

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Here are my tips for developing and maintaining your self-confidence.

Dare and take risks.

Instead of getting caught up in those feelings of self-doubt, remember that they are fleeting. Unsure about the unfamiliar faces? They’re just as new to you as you are to them, so why not take the initiative and introduce yourself?

The trick is to push past those initial hesitations gently. Every time you step outside your comfort zone, even just a tad, you get more acquainted with new experiences and boost your self-confidence.

If diving right in feels daunting, take it slow. Mix up your daily habits bit by bit and meet the unknown at your own pace. Allow yourself to step out of your routine regularly and in small steps. If you’re used to having coffee in that bar, change the sidewalk and pick a new one. If you work out at this gym, do a session at another.

Going through this process, you’ll gradually learn to adapt more efficiently and gain self-confidence.

Use auto-suggestion.

Let’s talk about the power of positive self-talk.

When those pesky thoughts like “I can’t” or “That’s not for me” start to creep in, hit the pause button. Breathe. And then, flip the script. Replace those doubts with uplifting and affirmative thoughts.

How? By taking a step back and viewing the situation without the lens of past experiences. It’s about recognizing your innate abilities and understanding that they’re ever-evolving and limitless. Boost your self-confidence by reminding yourself: “I have the skills to…” and “I’m more than equipped to handle this…”.

Set goals and define milestones.

There’s nothing like setting goals to overcome your fears and gain self-confidence. But be careful, especially if your lack of self-confidence is linked to a fear of failure; don’t set yourself almost insurmountable goals! In other words, don’t set your sights too high, and be realistic.

In concrete terms, break down your goal into stages, identify the resources that will help you get through each one, and become aware of your ability to progress toward your goal. Once you’ve reached your objective, set a new one. In this way, you’ll gradually build up your self-confidence.

Turn your mistakes into opportunities.

Trials are inevitable, as are mistakes. So, remember this: before you could walk without falling, you took a few false steps. And it was by understanding that walking on uneven ground requires you to watch where you put your feet that you finally managed to stand up.

What’s important is that you learn from your mistakes and move forward. And when you realize that we’re all in the same boat and that those who succeed have also experienced failures, you’ll gain confidence in yourself.

Act following your values.

When you overlook your fundamental values, it can lead to self-doubt, which can shake your confidence, so staying true to your core values is the basis for self-confidence. When you stray from what genuinely matters to you, it can feel like a piece of you is missing. But when you align with those values, there’s this incredible sense of empowerment and a feeling that you’re on the right path.

Here’s a suggestion: Grab a notebook and jot down what’s truly important to you in different areas of your life, like family, relationships, friendships, work, society, and the environment. Reflect on whether your daily actions resonate with these values; if they don’t, consider what steps you can take to get back in alignment with what matters most to you.

Move your body, do sport.

I want to drive this point home: getting active and moving your body is a game-changer for mental and emotional well-being. And if you’re feeling a bit low on the self-confidence scale, exercise can be a real boost.

Here’s the thing: when you engage in physical activity, you’re not just getting fit. You’re fueling your brain with oxygen and releasing feel-good hormones like melatonin, dopamine, and serotonin. These are your body’s natural stress relievers and mood-lifters.

Plus, setting a fitness goal sends a powerful message to your subconscious: “I can do this.” Over time, this belief bubbles up in your mind, reinforcing the idea that you have what it takes. The result? A big boost in self-confidence.

Take care of your appearance.

It might sound superficial, but taking care of how you look and feel good in your skin can do wonders for your confidence. Every morning, give yourself a moment to prep and, most importantly, flash a smile at your reflection before stepping out of the bathroom. Carry that smile with you throughout the day, sharing it with coworkers, friends, family, and strangers.

And remember your posture! Stand tall, walk with purpose, and try to keep an open stance when you’re seated. It’s incredible how these little tweaks can influence your self-perception and, in turn, boost your self-confidence.

Conclusion.

Above all, remember that perseverance and repetition are essential to any transformation. Gaining self-confidence doesn’t happen overnight. So multiply the opportunities to achieve it by putting a foot outside your comfort zone until it becomes a daily state of mind.

Final tip: Don’t compare yourself to others. It could bring you right back to where you started, i.e., your lack of self-confidence. There will always be someone “stronger” than you, and you’ll always do “better” than someone else. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you recognize your abilities for what they are and know you have the resources within you to improve them constantly.

Then, you will feel confident enough to act and move toward your dreams.

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