The most common reasons that limit the partner(s) from being themselves authentically:

The reasons for the difficulties in telling the truth are multiple and sometimes combined.

Fear of hurting the other person.

This fear of hurting the other person can hide the fear of rejection. It can also be the fear of not being a good person, the one we have learned to be to be loved. It can also come from the fear of conflict. The fear of hurting the other person usually originates in childhood and through relationship experiences that have legitimized it.

Difficulty expressing feelings.

In childhood, the partner(s) was not taught to express their feelings, and that experience showed them that this exposed them to the danger of being rejected, betrayed, or even ignored in what they think or feel. As adults, they lack the communication codes that allow them to do so; they are awkward and miss more clarity and conciseness in their expression. It generates frustration and even conflicts that reinforce their experience of the danger of expressing themselves.

The belief that they are not understood.

Having experienced not being understood in the past (usually in childhood), they are convinced that expressing their feelings is useless, will not address their concerns, and worse, will be further frustrated.

The experience of repeated conflict.

Whether it comes from the above reasons, unresolved conflicts, resentments, and frustrations related to poor communication can discourage the partner(s) from being authentic and expressing their thoughts.

Of course, you understand why having difficulty saying what you think and feel is a problem. And if you are interested in reading this article, it is likely because you are directly or indirectly concerned by the subject and the consequences of this difficulty.

What are the consequences on the relationship of this difficulty in expressing authentically?

These difficulties in expressing one’s feelings or concerns result in the sense of not being heard by the other person. That is normal since what is not said cannot be heard unless one is divine. And suppose the partner himself is not a champion of communication. In that case, if he is distracted or preoccupied with other things and tends to react and judge rather than welcome, this feeling is not about to disappear with a wave of the magic wand. 

What comes next is not hard to guess: Dissatisfaction settles in the relationship, frustrations, confusions, misunderstandings, and conflicts, and the whole thing creates a gap between the partner.

But don’t despair; some basics allow you to work on yourself and overcome these obstacles.

How to overcome this difficulty and speak its truth?

Here are some tips to help the one who has trouble saying what they are thinking and feeling. Each of them is valuable, and they need to be integrated to initiate the change essential for clear communication and a fulfilling relationship.

Don’t judge yourself.

In addition to holding you back, you’ll feel miserable, which is what you want to avoid, right? Know that you are not alone in experiencing this difficulty; it is common. Remember this: your life experiences are not there to afflict you but to push you to evolve.

Question your fears.

Ask yourself what you fear and, more importantly, if your worries are legitimate. Assess the risks of telling yourself and the dangers of not exposing yourself. Your fears should not control you to the point of preventing you from being authentic; they are not worth it.

Practice active listening.

It means taking the time to listen to your partner before you speak. The benefit is twofold: by paying attention to your loved one, your emotions calm down, creating a space for open and respectful dialogue.

Communicate clearly and kindly.

Judgments, criticisms, and other reproaches should be avoided, as well as innuendos and cryptic messages. What matters is how you feel. By talking about yourself, your partner won’t feel the need to justify or defend themself and will give you their attention in return.

Choose the right time.

This point is not negligible! You both must be available, calm, and relaxed to start a conversation. Fatigue, anger, or stress can only lead to dissatisfaction or conflict, and that’s not what you want.

See imperfection as an opportunity.

If, despite your best efforts, how you communicate still sometimes creates discomfort in your relationship, you have something important to explore. Understand that your emotions indicate that your need, sometimes unconscious, is not being met or that fear lurks somewhere. Take a step back and observe what is going on within yourself and your relationship. Then explore the opportunity of the obstacle to move forward on your path of awareness.

Ultimately, expressing what you think and feel, being yourself authentically, helps to develop intimacy and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. How can you feel loved if your partner is in a relationship with someone you are not with? It is yourself you sincerely want them to fall in love with.

Last, the Non-ViolentCommunication (NVC) tool par excellence will allow you to implement all these tips more efficiently and with fluidity. You should become familiar with this technique and make it your own. Your relationship will benefit from it, and your life will transform!

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One key concept that I often discuss with my clients is the importance of polarities in relationships. Polarities refer to the natural differences between individuals, such as introvert vs. extrovert, thinker vs. feeler, etc. These polarities can create tension and disagreements but can also be used to complement each other and create a stronger, more dynamic relationship.

Here are some effective communication strategies to follow.

Active listening.

One strategy for activating participation and positive conflict resolution is active listening through the nonviolent communication methodology, also known as NVC.

Part of this NVC methodology focuses on genuinely hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective without interrupting or trying to argue your point. By actively listening, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and feelings, leading to more effective problem-solving.

Active listening involves several strategies designed to help you truly understand and engage with what the other person is saying. Some of these strategies include:

1. Paying attention: Give your partner your full attention and avoid distractions.
2. Reflecting: Repeat to your partner what you have heard them say to ensure that you understand their message correctly.
3. Paraphrasing: Summarize the main points of what your partner is saying in your own words.
4. Asking questions: Ask open-ended questions to gain more information and clarify what your partner is saying.
5. Showing empathy: Try understanding your partner’s feelings and putting yourself in their shoes.
6. Avoiding interrupting or giving unsolicited advice.

Using these strategies, you can demonstrate to your partner that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and are actively trying to understand their perspective.

Using the “I” statement.

Another strategy of the NVC methodology is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. It means expressing your feelings and experiences rather than placing blame or making accusations. It can lead to a more empathetic and understanding conversation, as your partner is less likely to feel defensive or attacked.

For example, instead of saying, “You always do this,” try saying, “I feel hurt when this happens.” This approach can defuse tension and create a more positive and constructive dialogue.

Another tip for effectively using “I” statements is to be specific and clear about the sensations and emotions you are experiencing. Instead of saying something general like “I feel bad,” try to identify a particular emotion such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel disappointed.” It helps your partner understand more clearly what you are feeling and how they may have contributed to it.

It is also important to remember that using “I” statements does not mean you should not express your needs and wants; it is a way to communicate with them while being non-blaming and non-judgmental. For example, instead of saying, “You never help me,” try saying, “I need help with this task.” Your partner will be more open and willing to help you because they understand your needs.

In conclusion, using “I” statements is an effective strategy for communicating in a nonviolent and non-judgmental way. It helps to express your feelings and experiences clearly and specifically without placing blame or making accusations. With practice, you can learn to use “I” statements effectively in your interactions, leading to more positive and constructive communication.

Seeing from above.

I also suggest taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. Instead of getting caught up in the details of a specific disagreement, try to understand the underlying needs and values driving your actions and reactions. By understanding these deeper motivations, couples can often find a way to compromise and move forward, especially if they have the communication skills to dive deeper into the conversation while maintaining a sense of calm and positivity.

A good tip for seeing from above is to practice mindfulness and self-awareness. It means tuning into your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations and being aware of how these may impact your interactions with your partner. 

By being more in tune with yourself and your reactions, you can better understand and communicate your needs and emotions in a clear and non-judgmental way.

Conflicts in relationships are not always black and white; they are often multiple perspectives and realities that must be considered. By keeping an open mind and a broader point of view and observing the conversation from your partner’s point of view, you can gain a deeper understanding of what could be needed to work together to find a resolution.

Manage your emotions.

Another tip is to manage your emotions constructively; if you feel overwhelmed by the situation, take a break, pause the conversation and come back to it later when you are more composed. It will help you stay calm, think more clearly, and express yourself better.

Seeking Professional Help.

Finally, I recommend seeking professional coaching or counseling. A skilled coach or therapist can provide an objective perspective and help couples develop effective communication and problem-solving skills. 

Having a third person as an observer in couple counseling can provide several advantages. One advantage is that the coach can give a neutral perspective on the couple’s issues, which can help them see their situation differently.

It can help the couple identify patterns of behavior they may not have been aware of and can help them develop new strategies for communication and problem-solving. 

Additionally, a therapist can help the couple learn to communicate more effectively, which can help them to understand each other’s perspectives and needs better. Furthermore, it can help both partners identify and work through underlying emotional issues contributing to their problems by providing a safe, supportive, and neutral environment to work through their challenges together.

In conclusion

Lastly, keep in mind that relationships take work and effort. Conflicts in relationships are a normal part of any partnership, and disagreements are natural. It’s not a sign of a failing relationship but rather an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding. It can be challenging to navigate these differences, but couples can strengthen their bond and build a more fulfilling relationship with the right tools and coaching strategies.

Couples can better understand and express their needs and perspectives by using effective communication techniques such as understanding their polarities, actively listening to each other, and using the “I” statements in sharing how they feel. 

And if needed, seeking professional help can provide valuable guidance and support. Remember, you are not alone in this, and with a little effort and patience, you and your partner can work through any challenges and come out stronger on the other side and more assertive in positively resolving your conflicts.

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Being authentic does not mean saying anything and everything that might hurt the other person or even break the bond. Authenticity has a unifying role if expressed with a positive intention.

Make your intent positive. 

Conflicts in relationships are often the result of misdirected and unexpressed intentions. For example, if a person is saying, “I’m telling you this for your good,” they would potentially have the unconscious intention of positioning themselves as the one who knows and does the right thing. Always ask yourself if your intention is suitable before making a statement; if your words and your reflection do not hide a negative thought, a derogatory will.

Communicate clearly.

Clear and precise communication eliminates the risk of misinterpretation, misunderstanding, or conflict. The important thing is to make sure that what is heard corresponds to what is said. When the conversation is going badly, ensuring that your partner understands your message is helpful. Simply asking, “What did you understand about what I just said?” can avoid many problems.

Be an active listener.

Being present, attentive, and listening to the other person is essential in communication. When the conversation is going nowhere, don’t hesitate to ask your partner to repeat what they said. Take a genuine interest in what they are saying. Pause to let them express themself, stay connected through the eyes, and sometimes even stay silent. Then ask questions. Active and attentive listening is the guarantee of positive communication.

Stay Empathetic.

Empathy is essential to a healthy relationship. Empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, removing all judgment from their speech, and accepting it as accurate to them. It strengthens the bond and intimacy between partners, bringing the calm and serenity necessary to understand the other person. Remember that if you want to be heard and understood, so does your partner.

Keep an open-mind.

Open-mindedness is the key to inspiring and enriching communication. It allows new perspectives to be welcomed and the conversation to evolve. It’s not about agreeing with everything the other person says but about permitting other ideas and feelings to rise and enter the discussion. In addition to allowing you to break out of a pattern that might limit you, it will develop a greater closeness and intimacy between you.

How we communicate always reflects what we are living and experiencing. An authentic heart, a positive intention, a clear speech, a dose of empathy, an open mind, and an attentive ear will ensure an inspiring and fulfilling relationship.

“How we communicate with others,
and ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
Anthony Robbins

I suggest you read: The foundations of a healthy love relationship.

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Be grateful for the journey you have taken together

If you have been reading my articles for a while, you may understand that meeting your partner was not a coincidence. Everything you have gone through together, even up until the point of your separation, provides an opportunity for you to make necessary adjustments to help you become closer to your true self.

Remember that you used to love each other

Choosing to elevate your separation to a level of respect and tenderness is a decision you must make if you want your breakup to honor the love you shared. When negative thoughts enter your mind, redirect your attention towards the positive experiences and memories you shared with your partner. Focusing on the best parts of your relationship can help cultivate a sense of respect and tenderness during the separation process.

Take responsibility for what you are experiencing

 In a relationship, both partners have a role to play. While it can be challenging to accept, it is essential to acknowledge that it takes two individuals to create the dynamics of a relationship. Taking responsibility for your role in the relationship allows you to move away from the victim mentality and regain the ability to take action toward peace.

Don’t identify with your emotions but listen to them

Our emotions can serve as a signal that one or more of our needs are not being met in a relationship. When you experience feelings of anger, sadness, confusion, or any other intense emotion, take a moment to step back and reflect. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and look within yourself to identify the underlying need that is not being met beyond the specific event that triggered your emotional reaction. It can help you gain a better understanding of yourself and the dynamics of your relationship.

Improve your communication skills

By being aware of your feelings and unmet needs, you can express yourself more clearly, and take responsibility for handling the events and emotions that affect you. In other words, speak from your heart, not your head. It will help you avoid harsh judgments and escalating conflicts. Your communication has the power to make or break things between you.

Keep your ego at bay

Remember, your ego will do anything to prevent you from transforming! Every time you judge, blame, shame, and feel victimized by the other person, it speaks up. So quiet it down because it maintains you in a state of suffering and prevents you from growing.

Stay compassionate

Recognizing and respecting each other’s unique perspectives can lead to greater compassion and understanding, and ultimately help approach the situation with inner peace. This also increases the likelihood of a similar response from the other person.

Exercise and meditate

To eliminate the toxins your emotions generate, promote the production of feel-good hormones with a few minutes of physical activity and daily meditation. It will help you gain the perspective needed to manage your emotions positively and get through the separation process more serenely.

Conclusion

I like to remind my clients that despite following the tips shared above, challenges may arise during the separation process. However, allowing yourself to step back and create some emotional distance can provide a new perspective on the situation.

This new perspective has the potential to offer valuable insights and promote personal growth, leading to a greater sense of inner peace. So, keep an open heart and mind, and trust that even during the most difficult times, there is always room for healing and growth.

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But discovering the precious, unguarded secret of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) methodology transformed my relationship.

Having come into my life and that of my husband as an epiphany, it is no wonder that we have spent the last 20 years teaching others this life-changing technique!

How about you also putting an end to your conflicts? What if you allowed yourself to live your relationships to the fullest?

The online workshop we created, TRANSFORMATIVE COMMUNICATION for an Extraordinary Relationship, allows you to experience this.

In our 4-hour self-guided instruction, you will learn the following:

• How to transform your relationship, even if your partner is not with you on the journey.
• How to put into practice communication tools easy to use in everyday life.
• How to stop feeling judged by others and speak your truth.
• How to express your uncomfortable and repressed feelings healthily.
• How to ask for what you need and be heard.
• How to resolve conflicts peacefully.

Click here if you want to learn more!

Yes, conflicts are avoidable. Communicating with kindness, feeling heard, and understanding the other person is within everyone’s reach, on the sole condition that you want to break out of your repetitive patterns and give yourself the means to do so.

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” – Anthony Robbins

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• Valuing words (compliments)
• Physical contact (affection)
• Services rendered (what you do for each other)
• Gifts are given (anniversaries, birthdays, and in between)
• Quality time (making time for each other)

None of these love languages is better than another because each corresponds to how we have learned to express it.

Indeed, when we are children, we learn to love through early influential people who expressed their love for us (usually our parents and grandparents). As adults, we tend to communicate our love in this same language.

Below find a conversation between five people who speak different love languages:

– How can I feel loved by my partner when he never tells me he loves me? And I’m not talking about the compliments I never hear!

– Okay, but don’t you see how much he does for you?! The Sunday morning’s croissant, the shopping, the work around the house. He even makes you dinner before you get home from work! My wife may tell me she loves me every day, but she doesn’t do that much for me!

– For us, after ten years of marriage, he doesn’t even think to give me flowers for our anniversary. He never surprises me with a little gift; Sometimes, it’s hard to believe he loves me.

– For me, it’s the same thing. Giving me gifts is not my husband’s thing. But that’s not what makes me question his love for me. It’s the fact that he never kisses me. Holding my hand in the street, tender gestures, he doesn’t know.

– Well, girls, he may not be tender with you, he may not give you gifts, but at least you spend a lot of time together. My wife and I run into each other daily, and when we finally get home, she always finds something to do. What is love but spending a good time together?

Do you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios? Do you understand how frustrations and feelings of not being loved or even heard in love expressions sometimes arise.

To learn more about this topic, I recommend you read Gary Chapman’s book: The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Lasts.

I also suggest you discover your love language by answering the questions on the quiz that I have attached here. You may realize that you have mastered several love languages, and that’s great because the broader your way of giving and receiving love, the more likely you are to be fulfilled and happy in your relationship!

Also, don’t hesitate to invite your partner to discover their love language. Thus, together, you can communicate your love better and make your relationship evolve toward more intimacy.

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• To speak about your feelings, fragilities, and deepest joys guarantees all intimacy necessary to a friendship and indispensable to a love relationship.
• Telling your ultimate truth, the one that speaks of your difficulties or inner blocks is an effective way to dissolve them and allows you to be genuinely yourself.

When you allow yourself to embody authenticity by expressing your truth daily, you let it become an unconscious communication habit. Your relationship with others changes for the better, and your happiness increases.

In my coaching sessions, however, I can witness how speaking authentically is not always easy for my clients. They are often fearful of hurting their partner or concerned that something will drastically change in their life if they open up freely, so they refrain.

I understand that it takes courage to open up and be honest with yourself and others, but it also takes skills; communication skills. Once you have acquired the tools necessary to feel more confident opening up to your partner, it becomes easier each time.

To safely express yourself authentically and create a new dynamic in your relationship, my husband and I have designed a specific course called Transformative Communication Course for Better Relationships. To encourage you to speak your truth and do it skillfully is how I can best support you.

Who could you be if you could authentically express your limitations, fears, and concerns? You would most likely be free to experience relief and a form of freedom that would bring you immense inner joy.

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As a result, much of our internal monologue, which we more or less consciously consider inappropriate or risky to disclose, remains unknown to the other person.

Thus, when an unmet need causes frustration, and we forbid ourselves to talk about it, bits of information clumsily escape this filtering system. This is how “It’s not hard to please me, is it?” creeps into a conversation without warning.

Later, we think we’ve made ourselves clear. However, the small pieces of information dropped in this context generally lacked precision and were not necessarily self-evident for the other. Moreover, since they have slipped awkwardly into the conversation (usually in the form of reproaches), they are more likely to have awakened some negative emotions in the other person than to have made them aware of our needs.

Of course, I understand that it may be easy to please you, but only if you have expressed yourself on the subject. If this is difficult for you, here is what I recommend.

Have the courage to say what you want.

In other words, speak your truth. Put your thoughts into words, so they are heard and known by the outside world. This first bold step will lead you to the realization of your desires.

Speak from the heart.

Words are charged with the energy we give them, and these energies create experiences that vibrate on their frequency. The fulfillment of your desires will therefore equal the vibration you emit when you express them.

Communicate consciously.

When you speak out, express how you feel (the emotions experienced) and not what the other person is doing or not doing that makes you feel not pleased. This way, you will avoid tension, focus the discussion on the subject at hand, minimize the risk of misinterpretation, and increase the chances of being heard.

Now, if you are about to say or think, “It’s not complicated to please me, is it?! ” I invite you to rephrase the question: “I’d like to tell you how to please me. Are you ready to hear it?”I will let you imagine the possibility of a deeper connection with your partner that this approach could offer.

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