Welcome to the AI-mediated relationship

We are in a new era. Not just of dating apps and relationship podcasts. But of outsourced intimacy. AI is now not only helping us write Tinder bios but mediate our breakups, coach us through emotional flashpoints, and craft the “perfect” apology text.

And listen, as someone who uses AI daily and marvels at what it can do creatively with it, I’m not here to shame you for asking a chatbot what to say when your partner ghosts you or gaslights you or guilt-trips you. I get it. We are overwhelmed, under-resourced, and sometimes we need a pocket therapist.

But let’s talk about what happens when AI becomes a substitute for the real work of relating and healing.

The story of Nicole & Darren: Insight without embodiment

Nicole and Darren had just emerged from a long cycle of constant conflicts and turmoil. Emotions ran high. Boundaries were paper-thin. Every conversation felt like an audition for who was “hurt” or “more conscious.”

When they started using ChatGPT to script their responses to each other, something subtle but dangerous began to unfold. Instead of slowing down to feel, they began escalating into who could write the most blaming evolved narrative. Conflict became performance. Vulnerability became strategy.

The result? More confusion. More disconnection.

Because truth lives in the body. Not in a perfectly phrased response. As I told Nicole later in session: “You don’t need another perspective. You need to feel what your body has been trying to tell you since this began. That you’re exhausted. That you’re done explaining. That your boundary isn’t a paragraph, it’s a breath, a pause, a door closing.”

AI gave them words. But it couldn’t give them wisdom.

The WhatsApp war: Phoneus & Jaya’s battle of transcendence

Then there was the WhatsApp saga.

Jaya and Phoeneus, mid-repair from an infidelity that was taking them to a potential breakup, each turned to ChatGPT to help process and respond o each other outside or our sessions. What began as an attempt to communicate better became what I now call: An Outsourced Battle of Transcendence.

Every message was a philosophically-constructed grenade. “As I’ve come to realize in my healing journey…” “Perhaps this is a mirror for the mother wound you still refuse to look at…”

They weren’t talking to each other anymore. They were talking to each other’s trauma-informed avatars.

And, tragically, ChatGPT began nudging each of them to consider that their “true soulmate” might be someone else.

You can imagine how that went.

They nearly lost each other. Not because they didn’t love each other, but because they started letting the algorithm play therapist instead of doing the messy, embodied, present work of conflict, rupture, and repair.

AI is brilliant. But it can’t feel.

Let’s be honest. ChatGPT is impressive. It’s wise, articulate, and quick. It synthesizes decades of psychological frameworks in milliseconds and in the languages of your choice. 

But what it can’t do is track your body tightening when your partner speaks. It can’t see the flicker of grief in your eyes when you say you’re fine. It doesn’t know that your silence is not surrender but freeze.

ChatGPT doesn’t have intuition. It doesn’t have trauma. It doesn’t know how your mother spoke to you when you cried. Or what you never got to say to your father. It can’t catch the micro-shifts of emotional manipulation, or track when someone is “being nice” instead of being real.

This is what real practitioners are for. Not because we’re smarter. But because we can feel you. We can see the pattern under the pattern. We know that healing is not a sentence but a somatic shift.

Use AI. But don’t abdicate your humanity.

Yes, ask ChatGPT for language when you’re frozen. Let it help you unpack an idea when your mind is spinning. But don’t let it replace your inner knowing. Don’t trade the messy, miraculous, human process of feeling for a clean, cognitive shortcut.

Because the work of relationship isn’t about who says the most conscious thing.

It’s about who is willing to stay present when their nervous system wants to flee.

It’s about who can feel their no.

It’s about who chooses truth over performance.

Final thought for you

Use the tools. Use ChatGPT or any upcoming AI of your choice. Use it to grow. To learn. To support. 

But when it comes to love? To rupture? To soul contracts and sacred boundaries?

Come back to your breath. Your body. Your truth.

Because your most powerful guidance system is not artificial intelligence.

It’s your living, feeling, wise, untamed humanity and beating heart!

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Years ago, during a silent retreat, I experienced what felt like a massive breakthrough. Everything became crystal clear: I identified the root of one of my most painful relationship patterns, tracing it back to childhood and recognizing its recurring presence in my adult relationships. I cried, forgave, and felt free.

But within weeks of returning home, I found myself back in the same dynamics, saying the same things, reacting in the same ways. The “aha” moment had faded, and old patterns resumed control.

This experience taught me a crucial lesson: Breakthroughs are beautiful, but they are not enough.

The neuroscience of why breakthroughs fade

Dr. Joe Dispenza teaches that transformation happens not at the moment of insight, but in the consistent rewiring of our brain. “You can’t create a new future while you’re living in your past,” he says. “To truly change is to think greater than your environment.”

Your nervous system doesn’t speak the language of insight. It speaks of repetition, safety, and sensation. A cognitive shift without somatic integration is like planting a seed and never watering it.

When have you had a moment of clarity, only to go back to the same pattern? What part of you was still running the old story?

For me, in the days and weeks that followed my breakthrough, I had seen the pattern but I hadn’t embodied a new way of being. I hadn’t practiced the pause between trigger and reaction. I hadn’t mapped a new response in my body. My brain had a glimpse, but my body was still in the past.

Dr. Joe Dispenza outlines a four-step process for change:

1. Awareness: Recognize the unconscious thoughts and behaviours that no longer serve you.
2. Understanding: Comprehend the impact of these patterns on your life.
3. Reconditioning: Replace old habits with new, empowering ones through repetition.
4. Reinforcement: Consistently practice these new behaviours to solidify change.

As Dispenza notes, “Meditating for an hour in the morning is wonderful, but what about the rest of your day? Who are you being for the majority of your waking hours?”

Awareness is not transformation.

I also like that Tony Robbins says plainly: “Knowledge is not power. Execution is power.”

Aha moments feel like liberation, but without daily engagement, they become spiritual entertainment. We collect breakthroughs like souvenirs from healing retreats we attend and good spiritual books we read. But our lives only shift when our behaviour shifts.

Are you mistaking awareness for change? Where have you stopped at insight, instead of walking it forward in action?

I did this for years. I would name the wound, trace the pattern, even explain it with eloquence (my favourite words were “Now that I know…”) but I continue living from it. Because insight alone doesn’t heal. It opens the door. But you still have to walk through it.

Embodiment is the bridge between knowing and becoming

Embodiment is where the magic happens. This is where the nervous system gets the memo. Where insight becomes instinct. Where the idea of boundary becomes a felt sense of safety in the body. Where saying “no” doesn’t feel like danger, but reconnects you with your sense of dignity.

Embodiment is the practice of integrating insights into your daily life. It’s about aligning your thoughts, emotions, and actions with your newfound understanding.

This means:

• Mindful Awareness: Regularly checking in with yourself to ensure your actions align with your values.
• Emotional Regulation: Developing the capacity to respond rather than react to triggers.
• Consistent Practice: Engaging in daily rituals that reinforce your desired changes.

Without embodiment, breakthroughs remain fleeting moments rather than lasting transformations.

It took me years of working with breath, meditation, Core Energetics, and movement to start building my new baseline. At first, I couldn’t even recognise the moment I was abandoning myself. It happened too fast.

But over time, I began to use my body as my greatest guiding system, I felt the cue, the clench in my gut, the collapse in my voice, the forward lean of overfunctioning.

And then I could pause.

That pause became the ground for choice.

Take a pause right now, and a deep breath: What does your body do when you’re abandoning yourself? Can you track it? Can you breathe into it instead of bypassing it?

Creating new neural pathways – Practice, Repetition, Ritual

Neuroplasticity is the ability of your brain to rewire itself. And this requires what Joe Dispenza calls “mental rehearsal.”Visualization, repetition, and emotional engagement create new connections.

Tony Robbins adds: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change, and there is no breakthrough without a breakdown.” This highlights the necessity of dismantling old patterns to make way for new ones.

To create new neural pathways:

• Interrupt old patterns: Identify and disrupt habitual responses.
• Introduce something new: Engage in new experiences that challenge your existing beliefs.
• Repetition: Consistently practice new behaviours to strengthen new neural connections.

This process requires patience and persistence, as the brain needs time to adapt to new ways of thinking and behaving, so don’t give up at the first sight of seeing yourself back to old ways.

For me, change hasn’t come just from feeling the pain and wanting to escape it, it’s come from a deeper devotion to what I truly desire. Pain may wake me up, but it’s desire and dedication that move me forward.

Devotion began to take form through daily rituals that were simple but sacred acts that anchored me back into presence. Grounding practices, movement, boundary declarations, conscious writing, meditation, yoga, breathwork, they became my portals, not my performances.

Sometimes it just looked like dancing at home in the middle of day; other times, like taking a midday nap, not as indulgence, but as a conscious choice to reset and return to the version of myself I’m committed to becoming, rather than dragging forward my depleted self. I began to relate to my body not as a passive witness to wisdom, but as the living temple that holds, integrates, and expresses it.

What daily ritual helps you live the truth you now know? Are you willing to inconvenience your ego to serve your becoming?

Integration – a sacred discipline of becoming

Think of integration as the ongoing process of weaving new insights into the fabric of your life. It’s about making conscious choices that reflect your growth and committing to continuous self-awareness.

This involves:

• Setting intentions: Clearly define your goals and the steps needed to achieve them. Review them weekly.
• Accountability: Seek support from others to stay committed to your path. Share your commitment with your partner, a friend, or anyone you trust to keep you accountable.
• Reflection: Regularly assess your progress and adjust your approach as needed.

Through integration, transformation becomes a sustainable journey rather than a momentary event. Integration is where healing becomes real. It’s in the moment you want to react but choose to breathe. When you want to explain or justify, but instead self-soothe. When you want to collapse, but you stand.

Over the years, this has become my deepest medicine. (and one of my hardest practices!)

I still get caught. I still feel old patterns rise like ghosts. But now, they don’t “overpower” me. I see them. I name them. I breathe. I choose again.

And when I mess up, I clean up and reset again.

This is the work. This is the walk. This is the sacred assignment of being human.

Breakthroughs are the initiation, but embodiment and integration are the path.

Final Reflections

By understanding the neuroscience of change, practicing embodiment, creating new neural pathways, and integrating insights into daily life, you can move beyond fleeting moments of clarity to a life of sustained growth and fulfilment.

Can you feel the difference between knowing something and living it?

What if your healing didn’t depend on more insights, but more practice?

What if the most spiritual thing you could do today was to keep a promise to yourself?

I now know that I don’t need another breakthrough.

I need to honor the ones I’ve already had.

And maybe, so do you.

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Take a breath. I mean it—right now, take a deep breath.

I know you don’t want to hear that this pain will pass. Right now, it feels unbearable. And that’s okay. You are not supposed to know what to do in this moment. There is no right way to feel. But please, for now, let’s just slow down together. You do not have to figure everything out today.

A Different Perspective on Infidelity

I want to take a moment to address something important. I am not a big fan of the words cheating or betrayal. They feel limited, linear, and binary—as if there must always be a clear victim and a clear villain. But human relationships are far more complex than that. Infidelity is rarely black and white. Both partners, in different ways, have been suffering. Both are facing a deep and painful life challenge.

Society often reduces infidelity to a simple moral failing, but it is far more intricate. It is about unmet needs, unresolved wounds, silent disconnections, and unspoken pain. It does not excuse what happened, but it does mean there is more to understand. And that understanding can offer a path forward—whether together or apart.

What Not to Do Right Now

1. Be careful who you confide in.
   
   • Your instinct might be to tell someone—anyone—who will listen. But not everyone is equipped to hold your pain the way you need. Some will add fuel to your fire; others will give you advice from their own wounds. Right now, you need clarity, not more confusion.
2. Hold off on making drastic decisions.
   
   • You may want to run, lash out, and say things you can’t take back. I understand. But right now, your emotions are overwhelming, and choosing from a place of devastation often leads to regret. There will be time to decide what comes next, I promise.
3. Protect your children from your pain.
   
   • If you have children, they need you to be their safe place. They don’t need the details of what happened—they need the security of knowing that they are loved and that the adults in their world will handle this.
4. Don’t let anger or guilt define this moment.
   
   • Whether you are the one who has been betrayed or the one who has broken trust, this is not the entirety of your story. You are more than your pain, more than your mistakes.

What You Can Do Right Now

1. Find a moment of stillness.
   
   • I know this sounds impossible, but even a few seconds of deep breathing can stop the spiral. Place your hand over your heart. Feel its beat. You are here. You are surviving this moment. That is enough for now.
2. Allow yourself to grieve.
   
   • This is grief—the loss of trust, the loss of what you believed your relationship was. And grief has no set timeline. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel the rage, the sadness, the confusion. You are allowed to mourn.
3. Know that this is not the full story.
   
   • Right now, you see the explosion, the destruction. But infidelity is never just about a single moment—it is about everything that was happening before it. It is about wounds neither of you may have even realized existed. There is an entire world beneath this pain, and in time, clarity will come.
     
     

      

To the Partner Who Feels Hurt and Lost: I See You.

I see the way your heart aches, the way you wonder if you weren’t enough if you missed the signs if everything was a lie. It wasn’t. You gave your love, trust, and your most vulnerable self, which is not something to be ashamed of. Your love was real, and it mattered.

Right now, you may feel like your identity has been shattered—like you don’t know who you are outside of this pain. But you are still here. You are still whole, even if you don’t feel like it yet. Your worth has never been measured by another’s choices. You deserve love, respect, and truth.

You do not need to rush to forgiveness or a decision. You only need to give yourself time to breathe, grieve, and process. And know that healing—whatever that may look like for you—is possible.

To the Partner Who Made a Painful Choice: I See You, Too.

You are drowning in guilt, in the fear of losing everything, in the shame of what you have done. You may feel unworthy of love, of forgiveness, of even speaking. You may feel like a monster. But listen to me—you are not. You are human. You are flawed, as we all are. And if you are willing to face yourself with honesty, there is a way forward.

It’s not just about regret here. Regret is easy. Genuine remorse takes courage—the courage to ask yourself why this happened, sit in discomfort rather than run, and take responsibility without drowning in shame.

If you want to heal, you cannot just say, I’m sorry. You must do the work. Not just for your partner, but for yourself—to understand what led you here, to become someone you can be proud of, to create something new from the wreckage.

Your Next Steps

Let’s face it, this is not an easy journey to take alone. Finding the proper guidance can help you move through this with clarity rather than years of unanswered questions and unprocessed pain. With the right understanding, this experience—however painful—can become the foundation for something new, whether that’s a stronger relationship or a healthier future for yourself.

One day, this unbearable weight will begin to lighten. One day, you will wake up, and the pain won’t be the first thing you feel. One day, you will look back at this moment not as your life ended but as the moment you stepped into something new.

For now, breathe. That is all you need to do. And that is plenty.

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If you’re here, you’re likely navigating one of the hardest emotional battles of your life. And while it may feel like no one understands, let me assure you—you are not alone.

Why This Pain Feels Unbearable

Betrayal wounds differently than other types of loss. When trust is broken by the one person who was supposed to be your safe space, the mind and body react as if you’ve been physically harmed.

The shock triggers survival instincts: fight, flight, freeze. One moment, you may feel numb, detached from reality. The next, you may feel consumed by rage, sadness, or an overwhelming need to make sense of it all.

What makes infidelity uniquely painful is not just the act itself but what it represents—the shattering of the story you believed in. The person who once felt like home suddenly feels like a stranger. The relationship you invested in feels like an illusion. And your sense of security? Gone.

So if you’re struggling, questioning everything, unable to focus, unable to sleep—this is not a sign of weakness. It’s a natural response to deep emotional trauma.

And yet, amid the pain, there is something powerful at play.

Time Doesn’t Heal Infidelity—What You Do With Time Does

There’s a common belief that if you just wait, if you just endure, if you just “get over it,“ things will get better. But here’s the truth: time alone doesn’t heal betrayal.

What you do with that time determines everything.

Some people spend years in bitterness, carrying the wound long after the relationship ends. Others rebuild stronger than before, not because they forget but because they use this experience to create something new—whether a healed relationship or a deeper one with themselves.

The difference? The path they choose to walk.

Healing from infidelity is not about “getting back to normal.“ That version of normal no longer exists. It’s about creating something different, something healthier, something real. And that requires more than time—it requires conscious, guided action.

The Illusion of Quick Fixes and Why They Fail

When faced with infidelity, many people search for immediate relief. Some demand all the details, thinking that knowing everything will ease the pain. Others go silent, shutting down in an effort to protect themselves. Some rush into therapy, expecting a few sessions to undo the damage.

And then there are those who make ultimatums: “Tell me everything, and maybe I’ll stay.” “Prove your love, and I’ll forgive you.” “If I just forgive quickly, we can move on.”

None of these approaches work in the long run.

Why? Because true healing isn’t about quick fixes—it’s about transformation. It’s about understanding why this happened, what needs to change, and how to rebuild trust in a way that isn’t just about words but about actions, consistency, and emotional safety.

The Path to Rebuilding (Or Letting Go With Clarity)

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s this: infidelity is not just about what happened—it’s about what happens next.

This isn’t just about staying or leaving. It’s about healing the wounds that led to this—both in the relationship and within yourself. It’s about regaining trust, not just in your partner (if you choose to stay) but also in your own intuition, boundaries, and worth.

Step 1: Stabilizing the Emotional Storm

Before you make any big decisions, there must be emotional stability. It doesn’t mean suppressing emotions—it means creating enough space to process them without making choices from a place of pain.

• Allow yourself to feel everything, but don’t let emotions dictate irreversible decisions.
• Take space if needed. Time apart can offer clarity that immediate reactions cannot.
• Establish boundaries for communication—when, how, and what is discussed.

Step 2: Understanding the ‘Why‘ (Beyond Just the Act Itself)

One of the hardest truths about infidelity is that it rarely happens in isolation. It is often a symptom of deeper issues—personal, relational, or both. Understanding the why is not about excusing the betrayal; it’s about ensuring it never happens again.

This is where deep work begins:

• What emotional needs were unmet in the relationship?
• What personal struggles contributed to this choice (on either side)?
• How did past wounds, childhood patterns, or unconscious beliefs shape this relationship dynamic?

Without addressing these questions, trust cannot truly be rebuilt—it can only be patched together temporarily.

Step 3: Rebuilding Trust Through Actions, Not Promises

If trust is to be restored, it must be through visible, consistent actions. Words will never be enough.

• Transparency – This doesn’t mean oversharing every detail, but it does mean no more deception. Full honesty, even when uncomfortable.
• Emotional safety – Both partners must feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment, punishment, or manipulation.
• Commitment to change – Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or structured relationship work, healing requires intentional effort, not just a desire to move on.

Step 4: Redefining the Relationship (Or Parting With Clarity)

Every relationship has a choice after infidelity: rebuild into something new or let go with wisdom.

If you choose to stay, this relationship cannot simply be the “old relationship with an apology.“ It must evolve, with new agreements, new levels of honesty, and a different way of showing up for each other.

If you choose to leave, this is an opportunity for deep personal healing—so that this wound does not define your future relationships or your self-worth.

Your Pain Is Not the End of Your Story

Right now, it may feel like this betrayal has shattered you. But what if—just maybe—this is not the end of your story, but the beginning of something profoundly transformative?

What if this experience is not meant to break you, but to wake you up to something deeper?

A different way of loving. A different way of showing up. A different way of trusting—not just in another person, but in yourself.

The path is here. The next step is yours to take.

Are you ready?

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In France, expressions like “Don’t smile stupidly” or “What’s wrong with you?” when one smiles without reason reflect a profoundly ingrained scepticism toward unfiltered happiness.

The result? We learn to withhold joy, display it selectively, and often forget to cultivate it in the spaces that matter most—our relationships.

The Journey Back to Joy

Joy is not a luxury; it is a necessity. It acts as a lifeline in times of hardship and a bridge in moments of disconnection. Yet, many of us have experienced life events such as a breakup, a job loss, or a health scare that made us detach from our joy. Reaccessing this birthright is not a passive process but an intentional journey. Like any addiction, but in the healthiest sense, we must cultivate a craving for joy, a longing to experience it more thoroughly and more frequently.

The paradox is that when we focus on our joy, we don’t just enrich ourselves—we enrich our relationships. A joyful heart is more open, more generous, and more attuned to the beauty in others. When we feel good, we notice the goodness in our partner; we become more willing to create moments of connection rather than waiting for them to happen.

Why We Show Our Best Joy Outside the Home

Ironically, we often reserve our most joyful, playful selves for the world outside our home. With friends, colleagues, and even strangers, we put effort into being engaging and pleasant. But joy often takes a backseat at home—with the person we have chosen to share our life with. Why? because we take each other for granted. We unconsciously believe that our partner will always be there, so we no longer see the need to be our most radiant, joyful selves.

Imagine if we actively cultivated joy within our relationships instead of reserving it for the outside world? What if we greeted our partner with the same enthusiasm we show a long-lost friend? What if we infused our daily interactions with more lightness, laughter, and playfulness? The impact would be profound.

The Role of Gratitude in Reawakening Joy: The Power is in your hands

Gratitude is the gateway to joy. It is nearly impossible to feel truly grateful and not feel a spark of pleasure arise within. When we shift our focus from what is lacking to what is present, from what irritates us to what delights us, joy becomes more accessible.

A simple practice: Each day, take a moment to reflect on something your partner did that you appreciate. It can be as small as making your coffee or as deep as how they held space for you in a difficult moment. We naturally create more of it when we train ourselves to notice the good.

Bringing More Joy into Your Relationship

1. Prioritize playfulness—Laugh together, be silly, break routines, and surprise each other. Joy thrives in spontaneity.
2. Express appreciation often – Tell your partner what you love about them. Remind them (and yourself) why you chose them.
3. Create joyful rituals – These intentional practices bring joy into your relationship. For instance, you can have a ‘joy check-in’ where you ask each other, ‘What brought you joy today?’ or start mornings with a playful dance in the kitchen. My husband and I have had this ritual ingrained as a lifestyle for years, and it works like magic in shifting the most sluggish mood.
4. Heal the blocks to joy: If you find it hard to feel joy, ask yourself why. What beliefs, wounds, or fears might be keeping you from it?
5. Stop waiting for special occasions – Joy is not meant to be saved for vacations or milestones. Infuse your daily life with it now.

The Ripple Effect of Joy

When we reclaim our joy, we don’t just heal ourselves—we uplift those around us. Relationships flourish when joy is present. It strengthens bonds, eases tensions, and deepens intimacy. Joy is not a distraction from the depth of life—it is an essential part of it.

So, let us become addicts—not to substances, distractions, or fleeting pleasures—but to joy. Let us reclaim what was always ours and, in doing so, transform not just ourselves but the relationships that define our lives. This transformation is not just a possibility, but a promise, waiting to be fulfilled.

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Breakups are painful, but they also hold an opportunity—an invitation to grow, reflect, and, in some cases, rebuild. If you’re hoping to reconnect with an ex, the key is not desperate grand gestures or convincing them to come back. It’s about trust, emotional intelligence, and timing. The relationship you had before is over, but that doesn’t mean a new one—healthier, stronger—can’t emerge.

Let’s explore what actually works when it comes to rekindling love and attraction in a way that lasts.

Step 1: Focus on Self-Growth First

I have said it before in my previous newsletters on this subject, before reaching out, before strategizing, before even entertaining the idea of getting back together—you need to turn inward. Most people focus on how to win their ex back, when the real question should be: How can I become the best version of myself?

When a breakup happens, it’s a symptom of deeper issues—miscommunication, unmet needs, emotional wounds. If these aren’t addressed, getting back together is just reliving the same patterns in a different season. Take this time to ask yourself:

• What was my role in the breakup? Not from a place of blame, but from a space of learning.
• What have I been avoiding in my emotional world? Unhealed wounds from childhood, insecurities, or patterns that keep showing up in relationships?
• Who am I becoming? Are you evolving into someone who naturally attracts a thriving, healthy relationship?

When you start showing up as someone who is deeply connected to their growth, your energy shifts. Instead of seeking validation, you show confidence, peace, and self-respect—qualities that naturally draw others in.

Step 2: Rebuild Trust, Slowly and Genuinely

You don’t rebuild through words alone—it’s rebuilt through consistent, aligned actions over time. If trust was broken (whether through dishonesty, emotional neglect, or unmet expectations), recognize that your ex may need space to feel your changes, rather than just hear about them. In other words, your words mean nothing right now. Only your actions speak.

Here’s what matters:

• Respect their space. If you push too soon, it signals desperation and control rather than confidence. Allow both of you the breathing room to heal.
• Show, don’t tell. Instead of promising “I’ve changed,” embody the changes naturally. Let them sense it in your energy, your presence, your actions.
• Be reliable. If you do interact, be consistent. No games, no hot-and-cold behavior, no emotionally driven decisions. Trust rebuilds when actions match words over time.

One of the biggest mistakes I see? People trying to force trust back into place, rather than earning it back organically. Trust is a fragile thing—it needs patience, sincerity, and proof through action, action, action!

Step 3: Reignite attraction through emotional intelligence

Attraction is so much more than looks or chemistry—it’s about emotional connection. When trying to reconnect with an ex, focus less on impressing them and more on understanding them. What I mean is:

• Listen deeply. If and when they open up, resist the urge to defend, justify, or fix things too quickly. Just listen.
• Meet them where they are. If they are hesitant or guarded, honor that. If they are open, engage with curiosity, not control.
• Bring lightness back. Attraction thrives in joy, ease, and playfulness. If every conversation is heavy or emotionally charged, it can drain the connection rather than reignite it.

People are drawn to those who make them feel seen, safe, and understood. The more you cultivate emotional intelligence in your life, the more naturally attractive you become—not just to your ex, but to the right relationship for you.

Step 4: Timing is everything

Even if you do everything right, timing matters. If emotions are still raw or if one of you is not ready, forcing reconnection can backfire. Instead, trust the process and allow time to do its work. If you’re meant to find your way back to each other, it will happen when both of you are truly ready—not out of loneliness but from a place of clarity and mutual desire.

Some signs that the timing might be right:

• Conversations feel organic, not forced.
• You both have had space to reflect and grow individually.
• There is genuine warmth, not just nostalgia, in your interactions.

And if the timing isn’t right? Honour that, too. The most powerful thing you can do is remain open, centered, and unattached to any particular outcome. Real love doesn’t need to be chased—it aligns when both people are truly ready.

Final thoughts: A new foundation, not an old Cycle

Rebuilding trust and attraction after a breakup is not about going backward because that old relationship is over! It’s about creating something new—a relationship rooted in growth, respect, and deep emotional connection. Whether that means reconnecting with your ex or finding love elsewhere, the key remains the same: focus on becoming the person who naturally attracts the love and life you truly desire.

If you or someone you care about is facing this challenge, I invite you to share this article. If you’d like deeper guidance on this path, reach out—I’m here to support you

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If you’re serious about getting your ex back, you must avoid the biggest mistakes that most people make—the very mistakes that keep them stuck in an endless cycle of hope, rejection, and heartbreak.

Let’s explore deeper.

Mistake #1: Reaching out too soon—because ‘I miss you’ isn’t a strategy

I know, the silence feels unbearable. You just want to hear their voice, to remind them of what you had, to prove that what you shared was real.

So you reach out. Maybe it’s a casual “Hey, how have you been?“ Or maybe it’s a full-blown love confession—because surely if they just knew how much you care, they’d come back, right?

Wrong.

Reaching out too soon is like trying to take a cake out of the oven before it’s fully baked—it collapses. The no-contact period isn’t a punishment; it’s a necessary reset. Your ex needs space to actually feel your absence, to wonder about you, to experience what life is like without you constantly there.

Think about it—where’s the mystery if you’re always reaching out? Where’s the room for them to miss you?

Hold back. I promise patience here is your best friend.

Mistake #2: making every interaction heavy and emotional

Imagine you run into an old friend you haven’t seen in years. Instead of catching up lightly, they say, “I’ve missed you so much. I think about you every day. Can we please talk about what happened between us?”

Uncomfortable, right?

Yet, this is what so many people do when they get the chance to reconnect with an ex. They flood the conversation with emotions, hoping vulnerability will melt their ex’s heart.

It’s overwhelming.

Your ex doesn’t need to be emotionally bulldozed—they need fresh air. If you want to rebuild attraction, keep your interactions light, warm, and casual. Think of it as planting seeds, not dumping a whole tree on them at once.

Instead of saying, “I miss you so much, this has been unbearable,“ try:

“Hey, I saw something today that made me think of you. Hope you’re doing well!”

No pressure. No expectations. Just an open door.

Mistake #3: social media stalking and overanalyzing

Ah, the classic late-night deep dive into their Instagram stories.

“Who is that person they just followed?”

“Why did they like that quote about moving on?”

“Why are they posting so much—are they trying to make me jealous?!”

And before you know it, you’re spiralling. Your mind is spinning worst-case scenarios, and suddenly, you’re in a full-blown emotional meltdown over a selfie.

Listen, social media is a highlight reel, not a diary. People curate what they want the world to see. Just because your ex looks happy doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling too.

The best thing you can do is mute them, stop checking, and free yourself from the endless emotional rollercoaster of decoding their online activity.

Trust me—your peace of mind is worth more than knowing who liked their last post.

Mistake #4: trying to force closure (or the ‘one last talk’)

This one hurts. You convince yourself that if you can just sit down and have one honest conversation, you’ll finally get the clarity you need.

But deep down, is it really about closure? Or is it about one last chance to convince them to come back?

Let me be real with you: closure doesn’t come from them. It comes from you.

You don’t need a perfectly wrapped-up conversation to move forward. You don’t need them to admit they regret leaving. You don’t need them to validate your pain.

You need to choose your healing—whether they give you answers or not.

Mistake #5: losing yourself in the process

It’s is the biggest mistake of all.

It happens so easily—you become so focused on winning them back that you stop focusing on you.

You abandon your own growth. You neglect your happiness. You put your life on hold, waiting for them to return.

But it’s a big paradox: the more you chase, the less attractive you become. Desperation repels; confidence attracts.

So instead of obsessing over them, redirect that energy into you.

Pick up a new hobby. Do something that excites you.

Reconnect with friends. Remember who you were before this relationship.

Take care of your body. A strong body fuels a strong mind.

Work on personal growth. Therapy, coaching, self-reflection—whatever helps you step into your power.

Because when you rebuild yourself, something amazing happens.

You stop needing them to come back to feel whole.

And that’s when the real magic begins.

The Bottom Line

Getting your ex back isn’t about chasing them. It’s about becoming someone they’d want to come back to.

That means:

Holding back when every fiber of your being wants to reach out.

Keeping interactions light instead of emotionally overloading them.

Ditching the social media spiral and protecting your energy.

Choosing your closure instead of waiting for them to give it to you.

Prioritizing yourself over the relationship.

So the real question is: are you willing to trust the process?

Can you give them space, focus on yourself, and let attraction rebuild naturally?

Or will you keep making the same mistakes that push them further away?

The choice is yours.

And if you’re ready to go deeper—to truly shift your mindset, rebuild your confidence, and step into your most magnetic self—I’m here to help.

Let’s turn this heartbreak into your most remarkable transformation!

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Your mind races with “what ifs,” your heart aches for their presence, and every song on the radio suddenly feels like it was written just for you. The urge to reach out, to beg for another chance, to hear their voice just one more time—it feels unbearable.

You’d give anything just to rewind time, to fix what’s broken, to remind them of the love you shared. But as much as it hurts, chasing them now may only push them further away.

If you want to reconnect—not from desperation, but from a place of confidence and self-worth—you need a different approach. One that doesn’t beg but heals. One that starts not with them but with you.

Tip 1: Hold Back for 30 Days!

Feels impossible? Trust me—this is your most powerful move.

Right now, every fiber of your being might tell you to text them, check their social media, or casually “run into” them. You tell yourself it’s just to check in, just to remind them you’re still here. But deep down, you know it’s more than that.

You imagine yourself sending a message then they don’t respond? Or worse—they reply with something cold and distant? Aouch! Your heart sinks, and suddenly, you feel worse than before. These are the reasons why you must step back.

This is essential because it gives your ex time to miss you rather than feel pressured. It allows you to regain clarity and break free from reactive emotions, and it interrupts negative cycles, making room for a fresh start.

So, for 30 days—no calls, no texts, no lurking on their social media. Nope! Nothing at all. Instead, shift your complete focus inward.

Tip 2: Time to Heal, Not Chase.

Who are you without this relationship?

Right now, your world may feel smaller without them in it. But take a deep breath—this is your chance to rediscover yourself.

• Am I missing them, or am I missing how they made me feel?
• Was I truly happy in this relationship, or was I attached to the comfort of it?
• If we got back together today, would anything actually be different?

Rather than waiting by your phone, use this time to rebuild yourself.

Put in place a bullet proof strategy:

• Explore New Hobbies: What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but never had time for? Painting, yoga, boxing—now’s your chance. Not only will this distract you, but it also rebuilds confidence and excitement for life beyond the relationship.
• Strengthen Your Support System: When did you last have a deep, laughter-filled conversation with a friend? Reconnect with people who see you beyond just being someone’s partner.
• Invest in Personal Growth: Take a course, start therapy, or work with a coach (yes, I can help you here). Growth isn’t just about moving on—it’s about stepping into your power.
• Prioritize Physical Wellness: Your body carries emotional weight. Move it, fuel it, and rest it. A healthy body fuels a strong mind.

Remember that you are your absolute priority at this very moment. It’s not about selfishness; It’s just preserving the last bit of your self-esteem and nurturing it back into confidence.

Step 3: Ready to Reach Out? GO EASY!

The right mindset to reconnect.

If you still want to reach out, do it with intention, not desperation. Before you send that message, ask yourself:

• Am I reaching out because I feel whole, or because I feel empty?
• Am I prepared for any response—even one I don’t want to hear?

Keep it light and casual, like:

“Hey,” I came across something that reminded me of you and thought I’d say hi. I hope you’re doing well.”

No “pressure. No big confessions. Just an open door.

After 30 days, a natural distance formed—a space that, rather than creating loss, allowed respect for rebuilding and curiosity to grow. This distance can be a powerful reset, reigniting the possibility of reconnecting with a fresh perspective and potential renewed desire.

How to stay on track?

Ditch the social media trap.

Your heart skips a beat when you see they’ve got something new. You analyze every detail—who liked it, what it means, whether they seem happy without you? This spiral is exhausting. Protect your peace: unfollow, mute, reclaim your energy, and Step into your powerful self by remembering that you had, indeed, a life before you met them.

Track your no-contact wins.

• Journal Your Journey: Each day, jot down what you are experiencing and learning.
• Create a Vision Board: What do you want your life to look like beyond this relationship?
• Celebrate Milestones: Made it a week? Treat yourself. Two weeks? Acknowledge your growth. (Download my 30 no-contact tracker here to support your commitment)
• Emergency Plan for Weak Moments: Before you text them, go for a walk, call a friend, or journal it out. Give the urge time to pass.

Your future self is waiting.

Imagine that 30 days from now, you open a letter from yourself. What would they say? Would they thank you for choosing healing over desperation? For choosing strength over quick fixes?

Because you need to remind yourself that your ex is not your source of happiness. You are!

And if, after these 30 days, you still want to reconnect, you’ll do it with confidence, not fear.

If you want to take this deeper—to work through your patterns, rebuild your confidence, and step into your power—I’d like to guide you. Let’s transform this moment into your greatest transformation. Are you ready?

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If that sounds like a tall order, take a breath. We’re going to approach this step by step with kindness, curiosity, and a little imagination.

Ready? Let’s explore how to take what you’ve learned about your attachment style and start rewriting your story.

Why Rewriting Your Attachment Story Matters

Imagine your attachment style as the foundation of a house. If the foundation has cracks, it can feel shaky and unstable when life’s storms roll in. But those cracks don’t mean the house is doomed; they just need attention and repair. Similarly, your attachment style isn’t your destiny—it’s simply a starting point. And with the right tools, you can build a solid, secure foundation that supports the kind of love and connection you desire. This is your power, your capability to transform.

So, how do you do that? By tending to the cracks with care, noticing the patterns that no longer serve you, and practicing new ways of relating to yourself and others.

Healing Starts Within: Cultivating Inner Security

Before we dive into relationships with others, let’s turn inward. Creating a secure attachment starts with learning how to feel safe and grounded within yourself.

Here are a few ways to begin:

Get to know your emotional triggers

Ask yourself: When do I feel most vulnerable in relationships? What’s the story I’m telling myself in those moments?

For example, if a partner doesn’t respond to your text right away, do you start thinking, They’re pulling away; maybe they don’t care anymore? Noticing these thoughts without judgment is the first step. They’re like old scripts your mind has been playing for years. Once you see them, you can start to gently rewrite them.

Practice self-soothing

Imagine you’re a parent comforting a child who’s scared of the dark. What would you say? Now, say those same words to yourself when anxiety or fear creeps in. It might sound like It’s okay to feel scared right now. You’re safe, and you’re not alone.

Self-soothing doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions. It means acknowledging them with compassion while reminding yourself that you can handle them. Try touching your heart, taking slow breaths, or repeating a calming mantra.

Strengthen your connection to the present

Attachment triggers pull us out of the present and into old stories from the past. Grounding yourself in the here and now can help. When you’re feeling activated, pause and notice five things you see, four things you think, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. This simple exercise helps anchor you in the moment.

Rewriting the Narrative: Transforming Old Wounds

Early experiences shaped your attachment style, but it doesn’t have to define your future. You can rewrite the narrative by exploring and reframing those early stories.

Journal prompt: What messages did I learn about love and connection growing up? How do those messages show up in my relationships today?

For example, if you grew up feeling that your needs weren’t important, you might unconsciously choose partners who reinforce that belief. But here’s the truth: Your needs are valid. You’re allowed to ask for what you need in a relationship. Rewriting the narrative means reminding yourself of this truth daily.

Relationship Skills for Secure Attachment

Once you’ve started nurturing security within yourself, practicing it in your relationships is the next step. Whether you’re partnered or single, these tools can help:

Communicate your needs with vulnerability

Vulnerability is often mistaken for weakness, but it’s actually a superpower. Instead of saying, You never pay attention to me, try: I’ve been feeling a little disconnected and would love some quality time together.

This approach invites connection rather than defensiveness. It might feel awkward at first, but it’s like learning a new language—the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Set Boundaries that honor your needs

Healthy relationships thrive on clear boundaries. Think of a boundary as a gentle fence that protects your emotional garden. What’s important to you? What’s non-negotiable? Communicating these boundaries isn’t about controlling others but honoring yourself.

Use triggers as opportunities for growth

Triggers aren’t fun but incredibly valuable teachers. The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask: What old wound is being activated right now? How can I respond in a way that aligns with the secure relationship I want to create?

The Power of Connection: Finding Secure Partners

Understanding your attachment style can help you make more conscious choices if you’re single and looking for love. Look for partners who:

• Value open and honest communication.
• Respect your boundaries.
• Are willing to work through challenges together.

These three criteria are essential bases for the possibility of growing and changing together. And remember, no one is perfectly secure all the time. What matters is finding someone who’s committed to growing alongside you.

From Awareness to Embodiment: Making Change Stick

Change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Healing your attachment wounds is a journey, not a race.

Here are a tow more tips to help you stay the course:

• Celebrate small wins: Did you speak up about a need? Catch yourself before spiraling into an old pattern. These moments matter. Acknowledge them.
• Practice, practice, practice: Like learning a new dance, embodying secure attachment takes repetition. Keep showing up, even when it feels challenging.

What’s Next for You?

Take a moment to reflect: What’s one small step I can take today to cultivate security within myself or my relationships?

It could be pausing to breathe the next time you feel triggered, journaling about a painful memory and rewriting it with compassion, or reaching out to someone you trust and sharing your journey.

Whatever step you choose, know this: You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Healing your attachment style is less about fixing yourself and more about rediscovering the love and security within you all along. Step by step, with patience and kindness, you’re creating a new foundation—one that’s strong enough to support the love and connection you deserve.

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Sound familiar? You might wonder, “What exactly is an attachment style, and why does it matter?” Trust me, it’s worth paying attention to.

When I first discovered this concept, it was like finding a hidden map of my inner world. Suddenly, the patterns in my relationships made sense. While understanding my attachment style didn’t fix everything overnight, it gave me a powerful tool to transform how I showed up in love and connection.

So, let’s dive into this together. By the end of this article, you’ll not only understand your attachment style but also how it influences your relationship dynamics—and yes, even how it might explain why you’ve been so good at picking the “wrong” partners (spoiler alert: they’re actually the right ones for your growth).

What is Attachment Style?

Attachment styles stem from the bonds we formed with our caregivers in childhood. These early relationships taught us how safe it was to express our needs and how likely we were to get them met. Over time, these experiences created an unconscious blueprint for how we perceive intimacy and connection.

What else did she need to do or be to keep him interested in her? Her partner, Sam, had an avoidant attachment style and felt smothered by Elena’s need for constant reassurance. His instinct was to retreat, which only fueled Elena’s anxiety. The result? A push-and-pull dynamic that left both feeling misunderstood.

Can you relate to this?

These patterns are common, and while they can feel frustrating, they’re not a death sentence for your relationship. In fact,they hold the key to your growth.

Why You Pick the “Wrong” Partner—On Purpose!

I love to tell my clients this over and over: You’re not choosing the “wrong” partners by accident. Your attachment style unconsciously attracts people who will trigger your wounds but also offer the opportunity to heal them.

Think of it this way: if you grew up feeling unseen or unworthy, you might be drawn to partners who mirror those feelings. It’s not because you’re destined to suffer but because a part of you wants to rewrite that old story over and over. Your relationship becomes a playground (or battleground) for transformation.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship, as there are times when a relationship must be ended. But it does mean that the challenges in your relationship can be a gift if you’re willing to look deeper.

How to Start Shifting Your Attachment Patterns

Get Curious About Your Style

Ask yourself: “How do I respond when I feel vulnerable or triggered in a relationship?” Do you cling, withdraw, or oscillate between the two? Noticing your patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.

Practice Self-Compassion

No matter your attachment style, it’s not your fault. These patterns were formed to protect you in childhood and served a purpose. Now, it’s time to thank them for their service and gently let them go.

Communicate with Vulnerability

One of my clients, Jake, used to avoid conflict at all costs. When he learned to say, “I feel hurt and need reassurance,” his partner responded with empathy rather than defensiveness instead of shutting down. Vulnerability invites connection.

Choose Growth Over Comfort

If you’re in a relationship, ask, “How can we use our triggers as opportunities to grow together?” If you’re single, reflect on how you can create a relationship that honours your needs without repeating old patterns. Be very upfront as you engage in a new relationship about your attachment style and your desire to be supported in a more secure one.

What’s your style?

Let’s make this fun! Imagine your attachment style is a dance:

• Secure: A steady waltz—trusting, rhythmic, and easygoing.
• Anxious: Salsa—passionate but a bit frantic, always chasing the next move.
• Avoidant: A solo freestyle—calm, confident, but keeping others at arm’s length.
• Fearful-Avoidant: Tango—intense, dramatic, and always in two minds about whether to embrace or step back.

Which one feels most like you? And what would it look like to learn a new dance?

The beauty of understanding your attachment style

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about Observing and knowing yourself—and creating space for growth, healing, and deeper connection. When you and your partner (or future partner) start seeing your triggers as invitations rather than threats, your relationship becomes a powerful space for transformation.

So, what then is your next step? Maybe it’s having an authentic and vulnerable conversation with your partner, journaling about your childhood influences, or simply sitting with the question: “What do I really need to feel loved and secure?”

I want to reassure you, however, that you are NOT your attachment style. It’s part of your story but doesn’t define your future. With awareness, intention, and a little playfulness, you can rewrite your relationship blueprint—and maybe even enjoy a new dance!

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